Taboo

Preamble

I've been saving this draft I wrote long ago towards the end of my fourth year of med school, uncertain if I should share it. Was worried that I'd get in trouble for sharing something like that. It's probably unlikely, given that I'm not sharing any identifiable information about the patient or the personnel taking care of the patient. Plus, it's been so long ago... I doubt anyone other than myself remembered this incident. I've considered deleting it and just move on, but some things are hard to let go, and this is one of them. Sharing it now because it was so hard to talk about it when it happened then. Perhaps sharing it here now will allow me to see it in a new light, and put it to rest. So... here goes.

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My Emergency Medicine rotation was a memorable one, one that gave me some of the best and worst experiences in my clinical years as a med student. One particular incident left a deep impression on me, and I had to pen it down while it's still fresh in my head. On one of our on-call nights, my friend and I returned to the ED (Emergency Department) from a quick dinner break, only to find the red zone to be almost empty save for this one patient with the attending and a house officer huddling around him. The ED was divided into 3 zones - red, yellow and green (like the traffic light) - and patients were triaged to a zone depending on the severity/urgency of their condition: red being the most urgent/severe and green the least like a cold or a minor cut, with yellow in between with the potential of escalating to the red zone. As most med students can attest to, we usually like to be where the 'action' is, if not actually making ourselves useful during such occasions, at least watching and observing to learn a thing or two. And on that fateful night, a thing or two we did learn, indeed, albeit not what we expected.

A 60 year-old pedestrian was hit by a motorcycle, and was found unconscious on the ground for an unknown period of time. Upon arrival, he was found to have GCS of 8, with an active bleeding somewhere in the oropharnygeal region. He had no external wounds, no broken bones. His condition warranted a tracheal intubation to secure his airway before being sent for a CT scan of the head to rule out an intracranial hemorrhage. Unfortunately, none of these happened and he was not intubated until two hours later. Meanwhile, this man was bleeding quite profusely and we were tasked to suction the blood out of the cavity, as they tried to intubate him. I watched helplessly, worrying about him bleeding out. At the rate that he was bleeding, I was almost certain the blood being transfused could not keep up. It took another two hours to send him for the CT scan, because while all this was happening, his abdomen became increasingly tensed and swollen. The consensus was that there might be internal hemorrhage, but they couldn't seem to agree with the next step. It was between sending him for head CT only, or whole body CT scan. At this point it was close to midnight, the red zone started to get busy, the surgical residents who were called for consultation were reluctant to bring the patient to the operating room for an exploratory laparotomy to potentially stop the hemorrhage in the abdomen. Deliberate discussion took place, and then some, and in the end they decided they wanted a whole body scan. As all those were happening, patient's BP kept going down, his pupils fixed and dilated, and all we did was keep giving fluids and blood products. Bad luck had it that the CT machine in the ED wasn't working, so he had to be brought to the radiology department at another site, which was a long way away. It took us at least another 30 minutes to gear up before we were finally on the move to the other side of the building. Alas, as soon as we got there, the man coded, test was aborted, CPR was started while we wheeled the patient back to where we were 10-15 minutes ago.

It was of no surprise that this man died after an unsuccessful resuscitation; and everyone carried on with other tasks and patients as if it was just another death. Everyone except me. I was bewildered, stupefied, but most of all I felt helpless. Perchance when he came in he was already a lost cause, perhaps death was inevitable with the severity of his injuries, but we didn't know that for sure. Even if we did, shouldn't our job be to do our best to save his life, the emphasis here being 'to do our best'? I was upset not just because a person died that night, but that in every step of the way I felt we as providers could've done so much better. I didn't (couldn't) understand why everyone acted as if it was just another green-zone case, why there was zero sense of urgency, why certain decisions were made (and took so long at that), and why everyone appeared to be emotionless and moved on so quickly. Throughout the entire time no one contacted his family members, no attempt was made, or at least none that I know of.

I tried to understand what happened, and what could've been done differently to prevent this from happening, but I was stumped. This to me should be a case to be brought up during Morbidity and Mortality meeting, but when I asked the attending about it at the end of our shift, her reply to me was this, and I paraphrased: "... you will see things that are done correctly, and things that are handled poorly. Good and bad decisions, and behaviors/attitudes. Just learn the good ones, and ignore the bad ones..." For the second time that shift, I was baffled. Sure, yes learn the good and leave the bad behind. But what about the patients?! By not doing anything, aren't we silently consenting to the wrongful actions or behaviors? Does that not make us complicit? That morning I had trouble sleeping. I felt I've failed the patient, and I couldn't get rid of the guilt. As I eventually dozed off, I think I died a little inside.

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Afterthought
I still think about this man once in a while. I wonder if it's just me being the med student who was 'young' and 'innocent' and this was some kind of rude awakening to 'how things are' in real life. An initiation of sorts. Because how else do you explain why everyone who was working there acted so nonchalantly and went about their business? Maybe they felt something too, but had to hide it to be able to function. If everyone dwelled, then no work could get done. Maybe it's the culture to act tough and move on. Maybe like me, initially it got to them, but after a while if this kept happening, they just had to wall their emotions off, toughen up and learn to shut up and move on. Maybe they all felt helpless at some point, but believed that nothing could be done to change this and so they just accepted the way things were and learned to live with it. I don't know. These are just my speculations, because we weren't allowed to talk about it. Because pointing out some behaviors, actions, or decisions that might be questionable is forbidden, I didn't get to understand the root cause in that context. I doubt they really understood it either. It's such a taboo that you just learn to sweep everything under the rug and do your thing. If you want to survive, that's the modus operandi. 

My writing this and sharing it here wasn't intended to criticise or to let known how bad things are back home. Situations like these happen everywhere. The point is, there is a need to talk about it, to discuss and address the issues so that we can improve. Pretending as if it didn't happen won't prevent it from happening in the future, and then it's just going to happen again, and again, and again... We owe it to our patients to do our best, and make sure we do not repeat mistakes that can potentially cost lives. Primum non nocere, in English, means 'first, do no harm'. To do that, we've got to set aside the ego, and be willing to take the first step to talk about things that went wrong. I do not know if things will ever change back home, but I sure hope it will. One can only hope. 

Happy Merdeka Day

Many people I know or just strangers I've spoken to talked about their discontent of this country, and expressed wishes to leave the country for a better life elsewhere. Whilst I can understand that sentiment, I think there are other options to react to the feeling of dissatisfaction and to have a better life here without having to leave the country. Instead of complaining and whining about everything that's wrong with this country, why not do something about it? Yes there are things that we have no control over, and we can't change everything overnight or hope to see results in a short period of time. Changes will take time, but it has to start somewhere, no? If everyone decides to leave Malaysia, then who is going to fight for her? If everyone has the same mentality, and those who have the luxury of choice to leave chose to flock away to greener pastures, then eventually, those left behind are either doing so reluctantly only because they didn't have a choice, or because they are in power and can still benefit from the country's resources… until when everything is milked dry, then they too will be gone. That would be a tragedy for this country, and we can expect Malaysia to cease to exist in the foreseeable future. Fortunately, there are still many who despite having a better life outside of Malaysia, chose to return to the homeland with the intention to serve the country or to contribute in whatever ways they can. It is the latter who inspired me to feel the same, and to want to do the same for my tanah air.

I write this not to criticize anyone of their choices, but to encourage conversations or open discussions regarding this. I didn't always feel the same way (previously I was more indifferent about this); it was through conversations and being a third-party observer of such dialogues that slowly changed my mind. And so on this day, I just wanted to write a short note to urge those who are reading this to perhaps think about what Merdeka means to you, what/how Malaysia would be like if we were still under British colonization, and if we'd be better or worse off. In fact, here's another more probing question to some, and one I've always asked myself- for all the good things, the love, happiness and peace that we have encountered in the years that we've been here, wouldn't it be fair to ask for us to give a little something back? 

A country is only as good as its denizens want it to be (and then work towards it of course). Happy Merdeka to all. Wherever you are, stay safe! 

Two-Bit Thoughts and A Video to Share

Tonight my people congregated at the stadium to make their voices heard. All we want, is a cleaner fairer election. All we want, is for them to not treat us like damn fools, not use that racist slur to divide the people. A little respect from them would be nice. Tonight my heart swells with pride, because their dirty tricks didn't work on many of us, and I still see hope for my country, despite everything. Democracy doesn't happen overnight, it's a long and hard fight, but at least we're not alone. 

Photos taken by my friend who was there tonight.

We used to joke that whenever/wherever there's free stuff, you can expect high turnout because we Malaysians love free stuff (who doesn't?!). But tonight there was no goodie bag, no free food nothing free whatsoever, only the People Power. Tonight we were one. 

On a completely different/random note, I stumbled upon this video that's just pure awesomeness- Lip Sync-Off between Jimmy Fallon and John Krasinski. Take a few minutes off and watch this. It'll put a smile on your face. :)  

Some Things Never Change

Vote for me, he says
If you don't, the country will go to the wrong people
There'll be hudud law
You won't have the freedom you enjoy now
Economy will decline
Everything will go wrong
If you don't vote for me
Vote wisely
Vote for Malaysia

And I sit here, wondering
When is he going to tell me
What will happen if I vote for him

Untitled #1

Taking a moment to jot some thoughts.

What has the world come to these days? Bombing one day, shoot-out another, people dropped dead like flies, bad guys doing bad deeds then running away, but the good guys won't stop chasing, and they will keep at it until someone is down down down. Could be the real bad guys, could be scapegoats. Who knows, who cares. People needed to know that the monsters who did the heinous deed get what they deserved; whether the authority got the right targets is less important. At least that's what it seemed on the outset…

Meanwhile, no one has the slightest idea about their motives behind such acts. Why? What was the reason they did that? Surely there must be more than just me who wanted to know the reason. Does it matter? I'd like to think it does, because everything is connected.

Over here in this side of the world, People are coming together to fight for a chance for democracy- not masked in subtle threats or treats/money giveaways, but democracy as it should be. Too long has gone by for the People to just sit and accept the status quo in the name of peace. Enough is enough. No one is saying The Other Side is perfect, or so very much better, but at some point one has to realize that the saying of 'better to go for the known devil than to go for the unknown evil' does not make much sense in this context anymore. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, Einstein said. Had I tweak it a little and say 'insanity is voting for the same party over and over again and hoping they would do things differently', it would be just as apt.

Sometimes it escapes me why a certain party can't get it that what People want is not so much to overthrow the government, but to have a better and more efficient one. If they could just do the right thing instead of disappointing us time after time, all this wouldn't be happening. Then again, the world is a more cynical and brutal world than I'd like to believe.

The Hike

We were all so excited, talking about what we'd do when we get up there, how we're going to conquer all odds and get up there no matter what, making sure we have enough snacks to fuel us the entire hike, wondering if any of us would get altitude sickness, and making sure if we needed the meds one of us would have it. The highlight of the trip was supposed to be the Mount Kinabalu climb. We were going to get up there, watch the sunrise, be surrounded by nature's awesomeness, and take lots of photos. Alas, the weather wasn't on our side on the second day, so we couldn't make it to the summit. I guess we'll have to go back there another day!

On one of the islands enjoying sea breeze and calming sound of waves. 

The PHAT members and our guides.

Bye Mount K. We'll be back!

If only I could stay afloat on one of those fluffy clouds and see the world from high above...

Downhill is harder than going uphill, at least for me it is.

red leaves.

Waterfall on our way down

Last stop- Poring Hot Springs.

Running

To many, running a marathon is probably no big deal. But to me, it's no small feat. My memories of childhood consists more of seeing the doctor for coughs, colds, asthmas (albeit only mild ones) and almost nothing on being active in any sports. The only memories that were sports-related were the many times when I broke my glasses playing basketball. Even then, I wasn't really playing- all I remembered was everyone fighting over the ball and the next thing I knew I felt it smashed into my face and my glasses either broke into half or went out of shape beyond repair. (Oh no wonder I have a flat nose!!)

And so, the fact that I used to be the sick kid made my participation in this marathon all the more meaningful. I didn't do it to prove my dad wrong (he told me outrightly that I couldn't do it) or to prove that I'm physically fit; I did it because I wanted to challenge myself to something I wasn't completely sure I can do. To me, it's just as much a mental challenge as it is a physical challenge. God only knows how many times I wanted to quit, even on the night before- I was still thinking of ditching the race or scaling it down to 10km. But! I persisted. And though I stopped to walk for a few miles due to abdominal cramps, I still got to the finish line. I can't even begin to explain how exhilarated I felt when I got there! I couldn't jump around and scream "I did it I did it I did it" because people would stare and think I had come out from some psychiatric hospital, but really, that's what I felt like doing. No I didn't win anything, but I'm still on cloud nine even as I write this. :)  Ok some pictures.

The Neighborhood Kidnap Story

It's always just someone else's story, stories you only read on the news-  until one day it happens to you. Got to come to one's senses and realize that things like kidnapping, rape, or robbery, are real; and it happens around us all the time. Every day. Heck, it could very well be you or me, if we're unlucky enough. Be careful when you go out, friends! 

Here's the story about the girl who had a close encounter the other day at The Curve: https://www.facebook.com/notes/chin-xin-ci/30-hours-ago-i-escaped-from-being-kidnapped/10150980821959859 

Dribbling with Red Paint

It was on the front page of newspaper (Sin Chew) today, about a Malaysian girl from Sabah who became famous because of her video of her art work posted on YouTube. Out of curiosity I checked out the video to see what the big hoo-hah was all about. As it turns out, I wasn't disappointed- it was great. A red portrait painting of Yao Ming, using a basketball. Check it out!

I guess I can understand why it's on the front page of the newspaper. Malaysia and her people, are proud of the girl and her talent, and when the video made it to Huffington Post and other media sites, they felt it to be front-page-worthy (?). Besides - and perhaps more importantly - every now and then, the people needed light-hearted news like this to keep them motivated, keep them chugging in this world that seems to be getting more and more unsecured by the day. 

Anyway. At least for today, the red portrait may bring some hope and inspiration to some who needed a little push to go make things happen! 

FD Day 15: Of Home and Love

One of my favorite dishes* made by my (maternal) grandma used to be stir-fried lean pork with potatoes drenched in black sauce--it's one of those comfort food** that I looked forward to after a long day at school. So during my college years when I was living outside with friends, I tried replicating it as many times as teenagers would lie to their parents to hang out with friends with the excuse of "doing homework together", but it just didn't come out quite the same! I asked gramps why and what did I miss, and she couldn't tell me what's wrong. One day I decided to watch her cook it, and soon enough, I finally figured out what she forgot to tell me, the one ingredient that made the subtle yet distinguishable difference. You could imagine the joy and relief I felt when I found out the "secret ingredient", it was almost like when Siddhartha was enlightened and floated up in a circle of light--or the milder version of it: like something clicked and the light bulb lit up (with the sound effect 'ting!')--and everything made sense as I brought to my eagerly-awaiting taste buds the dab of sauce on my little finger that tasted exactly like how I used to remember it. It was a priceless moment, to me, one that I consciously recorded in my memory so I can recall in the future. (Like right now.)

May 13. A year and four decades ago on this day, there was a massacre in my country, where different races lashed out at each other, with parang knives and rifles and whatever was accessible. So much hatred floated in the air, villages were covered in red. In school we were taught to be thankful it was all in the past and that we should never ever bring it up or talk about it, for fear that it might incite another such incident. Yet what struck me is the stark irony: there's not a single day (especially of late) that passed that we are not reminded of the existing racial bigotry! I'm not exaggerating the fact either- look at the daily news and the political strangling going on. It's nauseating. Yet home is still home, and my heart is still there (well part of it anyway :P). Which is why it hurts. The thorn that's pricking the people might be just an annoyance for now; but who knows what would happen when people lose their patience? Or worse, when they lost hope and decided to leave. Blood, when spilled, can't be differentiated by race. They're all red regardless. Anyway. I don't know why I'm spewing all these when it's irrelevant to food.

Oh I remember. Because we're talking about home-cooked food. :) Home-cooked food-->home-->today's date. Hmm. But back to food and food diary!! So here's what I had throughout the day. And as usual, captured in a snapshot of my food diary notes on the phone:

And here's a very nice song/video I stumbled upon, titled "Here in My Home", by various Malaysian artistes. (Old song, dated 2008.) Enjoy!

End notes:
* I love all my grandma's cooking, so there's really no 1 fav dish. This is just one of the many. :P
** Comfort food- I have too many and it's probably easier if I list them out in another separate post. This is by no means the top of the comfort-food-list, and it certainly isn't the only comfort food of mine. (But it's a little redundant to even mention it right?! You should know me by now. :P)

A Time of Celebration and Feasting

when i was little, chinese new year was something i looked forward to, not just because of the food that were prepared once a year (you might not believe it, but back then i wasn't so crazy about food as i am now :D), but also the fact that i get to meet up with everyone in the extended family. the school holidays, the cny music wherever you go, the tangerines, and the red packet (angpao) of course, firecrackers, lion dances, family gathering & gambling, marathon of cny movies like the classic wong few hong series, and jackie chan's police story series. my fav part would be - the boisterous family gathering peppered with laughter and little kids' cries (both accounts without correlation though); and of course, uncle tony's palm-reading sessions. ;) only during this time of the year you get to eat like a glutton (not that i did that when i was a kid -- really! :P) without being frowned upon by the adults - sweets, soda, and all the fried stuff, plus the cny cookies. new clothes too! back then my brothers and i get to buy new clothes only during cny. once a year that's it, unless it's emergency or absolutely necessary. all these came in a package - and it has only all the good things with nothing horrible that entails. who wouldn't love it, right? today though, i don't think kids appreciate it as much as i, or my generation of kids, did. particularly in the US. to them, i guess every day is like cny. :D these days kids get everything they want whenever they want it, it's almost like a matter-of-fact thing. and if they don't get whatever they want, it's WRONG. -__- we live in a time of nimiety and profligacy, yet there are certain parts of the world that lack the most fundamental resources to survive. such is the paradox of the world we live in.

anyhow. i digress. as i grew up and dislocate myself from my nest, the meaning of Chinese new year diminishes each year when i'm not with the nuclear and extended family (yeah the whole clan both on dad and mom's side), and friends - but mainly it's the family. this year though, i'm not gonna sing the same old song bout being depressed and homesick etc., because, well. quite frankly i've gotten over it. it's like taking steroids for a prolonged period of time, or drinking too much coffee that you're immune to the effect of caffeine. having any stimulus for an extended span of time and this is what you get - hyper-excited sensory system that increased its threshold of stimulation. and so now i'm at this plateau stage where i feel just okay. *mehhhh* is an informal but accurate way of expressing it.

despite being 7000 miles away from home, i did have my fair share of fun. ;) on cny eve, i went to a family friend's relative's house for dinner, and they had an abundance of food, no kidding! :)))  ahh it was a temporary heaven for me hehehe. no steamboat like what i'd have back home, but they're all good food: roast duck, roast pork, yee sang, shitake mushroom with seaweed, poh piah (Chinese burrito haha), stir-fried shark fin, scallops with asparagus, homemade chow mein, deep-fried meatballs, fishball soup, deep-fried shrimp. :)  for dessert, there's homemade cendol with the choice of adding frozen durian. oh and i almost forgot - there's moscato and ice wine too. i wish i had some pictures to share, but it'd be kinda rude to whip out my DSLR in an almost-stranger's house, so. [note to self: getting a small digital cam is essential and this is why! :P]

and so, on this special day, though i'm far away from home, i wanna wish all my family and friends back home a happy and prosperous Chinese New Year, may all good things happen to all of you. i'm sorry i overslept and missed the chance to talk to everyone when you were all at the family gathering (/sadface), and though i said i don't feel much anymore, i need to clarify that i still miss everyone and everything back home. i have no idea when i'll be back for cny, hopefully next year. :) but i do hope you guys didn't forget me just because i'm thousands of miles away. i'm still the same old me (except perhaps.. chubbier). :D

much love, from LA.

Moving Backwards

While catching up with my backdated Newsweek magazines that I subscribe to, I came across this article by Christopher Hitchens on theocracy and why it won't work to govern a country. I think it did a great job in explaining the effects of theocracy in the Middle East. Here are excerpts of the article that I particularly resonated to:

[...] The immediate result of theocratic policy when measured by the standard of repression is pretty clear and getting ever clearer: any government that imagines it has a divine warrant will perforce deal with its critics as if they were profane and thus illegitimate by definition. [...] and watch what happens to a state or society that forbids itself the secular catharsis of self-criticism.

A country that attempts to govern itself from a holy book will immediately find itself in decline: the talents of its females repressed and squandered, its children stultified by rote learning in madrassas, and its qualified and educated people in exile or in prison. There are no exceptions to this rule... [...]

But when the crops fail and the cities rot and the children's teeth decay and nothing works except the ever-enthusiastic and illiterate young lads of the morality police, who will the clerics blame? They are not allowed to blame themselves, except for being insufficiently zealous. Obviously it must be because the Jews, the Crusaders, the Freemasons have been at their customary insidious work.

A failed state that cannot allow any grown-up internal debate, or any appeal against the divine edict, will swiftly become an even more failed state and then a rogue one because its limitless paranoia and self-pity must be projected outward.

Though the article is talking about the importance and direct interest to prevent Iranian regime from threatening the global security with nuclear weapons, I can't help but see the tremendous resemblance in the spiralling events in Malaysian politics in the past couple of years. For one, the detention of certain news reporters or bloggers by ISA in attempt to prevent them from criticizing the government is a sign that the country is embarking upon the path of an autocratic nation. The many privileges for the "bumiputeras" notwithstanding, there has been an increasing lack of tolerance for other religions' freedom of speech, or just non-Muslims in general voicing their dissent in certain governmental policies. All these has put Malaysia under the international spotlight, creating a negative image of Malaysia as a hypocritical nation -- one that prides itself to be a cultural melting pot of multiple religions and uses the slogan "Malaysia, Truly Asia" yet rules the nation by what seemed to resemble much of theocracy. One can't help but wonder, rather than wooing the global community and investors alike with its well-established "achievement" of intercultural harmony, is Malaysia regressing and following the footsteps of the radical Middle Eastern extremists instead? Anyone who is paying attention to the current events in Malaysia might sense that there is an imminent danger looming about the grim political climate, and if the government doesn't put a halt to the political movement carried out by certain parties, it is only a matter of time when things can't be suppressed anymore and will eventually blow up.

Regardless of whether this is governing through a holy book, any state that tries to - and I quote Hitchens on this - "forbid itself the secular catharsis of self-criticism" and "repress its people" will find itself in decline. And sadly, that seems to be where Malaysia is heading. Yet despite my seemingly pessimistic prediction, I still believe there is a chance the country won't go down that path. It really depends on the people, and of course the politicians. Especially the politicians. Is 1Malaysia just going to be a mirage? At this point it's hard to tell. But I do hope things will change for the better.

On Moral Codes and Values

when i was in high school sitting for SPM's moral studies paper (for those who don't know, moral studies is a compulsory subject we have to take in high school and SPM is the state exam we have to take in order to graduate), i remember having to write an essay response regarding my course of action if the country was facing some kind of crisis or might be taken over by other colonial powers (something along that line). the choice, if i remember correctly, was whether i would stay back in the country, fight for it to the very end and risk my own life for my country; or if i would choose to leave the country. we were supposed to write what we'd do and justify our choice by applying the moral values we've learned in theory.

i think it's a no-brainer to assume that, for a state exam like this when our papers would be sent to another school to be graded (most likely a public school) and what with the probability of the graders being pro-government and Muslims is higher than if they weren't, we should be politically correct when answering questions as such (especially when we were from a Chinese private school) -- if we want our A's, that is. being a  naive 17 year old, i was like most people around me, attuned to believe that getting straight A's was all that mattered. so it's, again, safe to assume that, in this case the "politically correct" answer would be to stay back and fight for your country. as expected, everyone i knew wrote that -- except for me. i don't know what the heck i was thinking at that time, it was definitely one of those moments when i couldn't really explain why i did what i did, but yes, i wrote that i would flee the country to a place where i would be safe, and only go back when the crisis is over, my explanation being that if everyone were to die for the country then no one would be left to rebuild the country or reclaim the sovereignty of the country. what a smart ass. -.-  but to be fair - technically speaking, it's somewhat logical (if you omit the fact that the country probably wouldn't be wiped out completely), however politically incorrect it was for a state exam. (thank god the government wasn't autocratic, or it would've sent the ISA - Malaysian equivalent of CIA - to come for me). but i guess at that time i was just being obstinate and refused to give in to the "societal expectations" (well i can't really pinpoint what it is that i refused to give in to, but it's just the overall "political correctness" that is expected out of us if we were to protect our welfare). besides, i couldn't get over the fact that i would've been hypocritical about it if i had written something i wouldn't do.

why i'm writing this is not so much about the exam that i took dog years ago as it is about the choice that we would make in real life, as opposed to a hypothetical situation. i can't say for sure, but my inkling is that, almost everyone who chose the former decision (to stay back and fight for the nation's sovereignty) probably wouldn't have done so if a coup really did happen in the country. truth is, it is only human nature that we would all flee and fight for our own survival before we would even think about our country. in other words, we would most likely save our own asses first, above all else. call me a traitor or unpatriotic, but it is the truth that this is how most people would react. at least, that was what i thought at that time. that being said, i can totally understand why some of us would write the former response in a state exam. why, i would've done the same thing if i were less obstinate, less rigid and more practical.

fast forward to 8 years after, i find myself changed a great deal. for one, if asked the same hypothetical question, i can't say for sure if i'd still feel the same way about it. that is to say, i wouldn't be so quick to say i would leave the country until it stabilizes. typically in a society, it's the youths who are all gung ho, idealistic and would go all out to fight for their country their ideologies; the older people get and the more education they receive, they tend to be more cynical, skeptical and maybe even bitter, resulting in them the lack of faith and the disillusionment of ideologies. yet for me, it seems to be the other way round. i find myself going from being skeptical to borderline hopeful, believing that if perhaps more people feel the same way and continue fighting for a more progressive society, then it would snowball into something more significant and eventually bring about some change. it's strange how i seem to "regress" to the state of borderline naiveté -- perhaps that's what years of being in the US did to me. (or in retrospect, it could be more due to the fact that i was away from home and me failing to understand in fullness the horrifying reality, as opposed to me being here in the States.)

back to that moral studies paper, i think it was only by sheer luck that I got an A for it. either way, that tiny incident prompted me to think about this, more realistically so than i would have. in real life, how many of us would choose to be sideliners and watch things fall apart through the television in another country if such a thing really happens in the future? the dispute on the word "Allah" that prompted Muslim radicals to firebomb churches seems like an early "symptoms" that we are heading there, if government doesn't take appropriate actions and/or change their ruling strategy. of course, no one wishes that to happen, and so hopefully the incident serves as a wake-up call to everyone, especially the politicians, such that something is done and the country wouldn't go backwards than it already has. but if and when this time bomb really does go off sometime in the future, i can only hope that i do the "right" thing, whatever "right" means according to my moral codes at that point of time.

Misty Mystic Mystery

tonight it was as if Nyx the goddess of night came to visit, bringing with her a veil of mist, drawn forth from underworld that blotted out my vision beyond a few hundred metres. perchance it was also her presence that sent a chill to my bones and caused the temperature to drop a few degrees Celcius. my usual route to work was mystified by the layers of mist that enwrapped me and my surroundings, and i couldn't help but getting all perked up at the sight of seemingly different scenery much thanks to the illusion created by the mists. like a child promised of her ice cream, it kept me on my toes, wondering and anticipating for something to happen or reveal itself. something i haven't noticed before or, really, just anything that might trigger yet another spike of imagination that would bring me to places i've never explored - even if it's just in my head.

throughout the 15-minute fog encapsulated journey, i mused at the movement of vapor particles hanging low and floating around, allowing the soft breeze to carry it wherever, surrendering themselves to the larger stronger force without any resistance at all (other than its own mass, that is, if you really wanna get technical). isn't life just like that, with us being one of those vapor particles, and life as the breeze. i am, in fact, just a tiny particle in the vast universe; and i have no idea where life will bring me. not saying that i have no control over my life, or that what i do doesn't matter at all, but on a larger scale, at a macroscopic level, i do believe that each and everyone of us has our destiny written somewhere, somehow. so. i'm just gonna let the breeze take me wherever i'm supposed to go. meanwhile, i shall sit back and enjoy my Brown's Theory journey as a dot particle that crashes into and interact with other similar particles. :)

and on a completely irrelevant note, since we're on the topic of illusions, this rather peaceful night here in a foreign land gave away another split-second illusion that nothing bad could happen to the world. i am safe here. or at least, i feel safe (but in truth might not be so - for reality and perception might not always coincide). indeed, the notion that nothing bad could happen to the world is a delusion, a farce that claws at whoever who'd even entertain that idea. result? well. it will spit at you with the news about bombings at churches back at home, where disputation about the rights of non-Muslims to use the word "Allah" is ongoing. really?! i mean, seriously. the country has so many more urgent issues to be tended, yet they're engaging in a debate on a non-issue like that. oh what has become of my country?! sigh. this should be a granted a completely different post by itself. next time, maybe.

Last August Post

people misunderstand me when i say i'm averse to being around people and take it as i just loathe hanging around people. let me clarify: i don't hate being around people, i only dislike having to contribute to small talks when i don't feel up for it. it's a drag, because i always find myself lack of things to say--things that interest them usually do not interest me. but these days when i'm stuck in this kinda situation, i try to conceal my facial expression--to not seem bored, because it might come off as condescending, and that's not nice. i really like them, they're good people in general. anyway, at first it seems like a pain to have to mask my true self, but of late it's become a challenge, a daily practice to monitor and my facial expressions and filter away critical emotions that might make me vulnerable. it's fun to think of each day as a practice ground to master a poker face; i need to be less of an open book. for it's a fact that, sometimes my eyes give off too much, even when i'm reticent. (and if nothing else, it'd be an entertainment to keep myself amused at work.)

it's august 31st. Malaysia's Independence Day. lately, news about Malaysia that made to the international platform are "Muslims banned to watch Black Eye Peas concert", and "Muslims protested with a cow head and demanded Hindu temple to be relocated". cow head? really? what a farce! at times it's hard to feel proud of it when the country seems to be going backwards. but today in the spirit of Merdeka, i shan't dive into the many issues that are plaguing the nation. (i'll save it for future posts-- and though discussions probably won't help much, it's better than keeping mum and pretending it's all well and dandy.)

here's two video clips i'd like to share. the first one is our national anthem, the second one a cynical portrayal of a "perfect" future when the society gave up their fundamental right to speak up. happy Merdeka!

here's more, if the second video interests you.

Whatsup-o-meter

1. Sept 12, 2008 is officially our 2nd year anniversary here in the States. Here are the stats. Degree - one Bachelors, in Biotech; significant awards or accomplishments - uh hmm a few but not significant enough to mention IHMO; pounds gained - 13; dreams and ambitions - yes, and working towards it; meaning of life - found one, holding tight to it; boyfriend - since i got here? zero; virginity - refuse to disclose :P ; white american friends - 4, maybe 5 at max, if i were to count those that would stay as friends for a long time to come; asian american friends - many many and i love all of them; white hair - one; panda eyes - two; car - one used one, my 10 yr old baby, a Mitsu i named Ginger; brains i got to mess with - one, sheep brain, no human brains... YET. hehehe; job - a proper one? none as of now; optimism level - 85% :)
2. Got back my MCAT results. let's just say i'm not happy with it, so i'll be retaking it next year. am applying to some DO schools now, and a few on the caribbean islands. might look into some other options like public health or even journalism. darling jun suggested going to Aussie to do postbac research.. sounds interesting but have to do more research on that. for now it's trying to get my employment authorization card first and then a job.
   
3. Wallstreet meltdown is craaaazyy! thank god i'm not investing any money. economy is going downhill; the two presidential candidates are bashing each other on their economic policies among other issues. republicans are damn good in manipulating people's mind; some people's comments i heard on the radio makes me wanna cry and laugh at the same time; identity politics works effectively apparently; some people are just racists like that, there's no right or wrong - that's just how it is. politics in malaysia is a farce. it's like going to a circus watching the few people making a fool of themselves. congratulations to them they did a good job at that. no biggies, only that malaysia's repo suffered on the international platform, but what's that to them right. they became well known and they're rich, that's all that mattered to them isn't it.
4. It's my lil baby bro's birthday. happy birthday to him! :) much love xoxo.

Tastes of Malaysia @ Santa Monica

On one particular weekend in May, Tourism Malaysia organized an event called The Tastes of Malaysia at Santa Monica's 3rd Street. And of course, how can we miss this opportunity to get some Malaysian food? We can never get enough of it, even though it's nothing like the real thing back home. You know what they say - beggars can't be choosers! :P

Introducing Miss Sheena aka Miss Hottie-in-da-club :)
Look at her red sunglasses that matches her car! aint it just screamin 'HOTTT'?! Wooot~ :P

Miss Mel, who's one of the performers for Tourism Malaysia :)

Ida missy who's also another hot dancer, Fahmi behind her, Izwan the best cook in the world,
Roy who closed his eyes, Hadi the poser who's ever so cheerful, and Ubai with the peace sign.

Introducing miss Raudhie with her sexy lips :P

anticlockwise from L: there's my dearest roomie chean, jessoms my sunshine, jeanie my princess,
peng chuan my personal shopper, V the dude, dhara with sexy legs, and roy the one and only.

jeanie and me and roy

it's the three of us: ex-royani fatty and shiara

Introducing the roti canai man who flew in from teluk intan arr? or where.
somewhere in malaysia lah.. but yes, he was flown in specially for this event! :D

waaa mama.. satay!!! eh do u know how i wished i could just bite into those meat.. but no, i made a vow to be on vegetarian diet till end of may. so i didn't eat any meat. -__-

and let me show you the exciting faces amongst the long-deprived malaysian souls
who's just so thrilled to see all the malaysian food and people there :D

nasi lemak with sambal. :) chicken.. i cannot eat! oh forgot to take picture of keropok leko!!!

The guys who were walking around with a pair of shoes on a sliver platter, with a T shirt

that says "Are you my sole mate" hahah i thought that was cute! especially when its pink!

my friends played a prank on me and asked the guy if he could take a picture with me. -___-

well. at least the picture turned out nice! and the shoe actually matches my jacket! ;)

Small Talks

i am a few days late to find out about this: lately there's this outrageous government proposal to impose restrictions on women traveling alone abroad. check this out, they are proposing that women who intend to travel abroad should obtain a written consent from families or employer before doing so. reason? to curb drug trafficking! uhhh.. let me check the date. yepp its year 2008, i'm not mistaken or hallucinating, am i? why then does it feel like i'm reading news that sounded as if its dated half a century back??? (news source: click here)

and then there's this blogger who runs an independent news site - Malaysia Today, chose to go to jail instead of paying bail after he was accused of sedition for implying that Malaysia's deputy PM might be involved in a murder case (for the complete article, click here). when is my beloved country going to learn that the more they suppress their people - such as discussing about the so-called sensitive issues i.e. politics, religions, races and sex -the more the people will fight to overcome it? do they really think we're still the ignorant village people who had no access to any other source of alternative news and knowledge?

Sometimes i really question the capability of the people who govern our country. anyways. Raja Petra was released from jail and is resting at home now. on a side note, i was reading up on some articles about European Union the other day for my French assignment, and i stumbled upon this website about Republic of Slovenia, who's currently holding the EU's rotating presidency, (no i'm not gonna talk about politics or anything serious/intellectual), and i saw the portraits of all their ministers. you gotta check them out: The Slovenian Government. then compare it to our very own Malaysian cabinet members. now i don't wanna sound discriminating or anything, but don't you think there's a huge difference, whether it's the presentation of the site, portraits taken, or even the looks of the ministers (and i'm not talking about skin color, hairstyle, facial features, fashion sense or pose okay)? i can't put it in words, but somehow the ministers of the former government really looked like they're the cream of the crop in their arena, able to lead and possess a certain kind of assurance in their eyes. i don't know.. it's as if, you can see through the pictures and somehow be convinced of their capability. but the same can't be said of the latter. there's an air of ... sloppiness. as if they're there because they have to be there, and not because they wanna do something great for the country.

maybe it's just my interpretation of the portraits. after all, they're just pictures, and looks are often deceiving. let's hope i'm wrong, and we won't hear more of the ludicrous news such as the travel ban on women for the purpose of curbing drug smuggling. -_- often times i find it hard to convey to people my Malaysian pride, because there are so many core reasons Malaysia used to take pride in and values we treasured that seemed to dissipate into thin air today. either that, or they never really existed and were just fabrications for people to make-believe. what's the point of having one of the tallest buildings when the core is kind of rotten. sighhh. i just hope things will continue to change for the better...

What's Hot This Season?

I'll tell you what the coolest and hippest trend this season - Change! :)

For the first time in Malaysian history, National Front - our main ruling coalition ever since our Independence - was denied its two-thirds majority in the parliament. How awesome it that?!!!

I am stoked. :) But not because National Front lost its two-thirds majority. I am stoked because finally Malaysians decided its time to change. For them to vote for the opposition signified that they believed something has got to change, and for better or worse, they're willing to take the risk. And this is a good sign! Because for so long we've convinced ourselves that things won't get any better and that nothing we do will change anything. But this election has proven otherwise. People are just sick and tired of the same old shit.

Will the opposition make things better, or will they disappoint us? It's not gonna be easy, and it's gonna take some time. We shall see. :)

Do you hear the sound of glasses clinking, celebrating this defining moment of our history? :) Cheers to everyone who cared to stay up till late and/or those who kept a close tab on our beloved country's election despite being thousands of miles away from home.

downward spiral

i walked the short distance from the car to the apartment and i counted 10 crushed snails on the ground, and i don't know what's up with me and snails but it hurts to see them die under the ruthless footsteps of humans who probably didn't even know they took away an innocent life. maybe i should start moving all the snails to the side every time i see them. Sheena got one from me, she's keeping Soto safe from the brutal world - in her drawer, sound asleep now i think. lucky Soto. :)

went for groceries shopping at an asian market, and they have people pack our stuff into plastic bags. they use it so lavishly as if those plastic bags are made out of thin air. subconsciously i felt guilty for taking those plastic bags home, because i feel i'm contributing to the pollution that's already bad enough and will only go downhill. and sometimes when i look up at the sky at night, i think of disneyland's fireworks, and despite them claiming that they're using a new pyrotechnics system that will reduce negative environmental impacts, i still feel it's not gonna help much. i don't even wanna think of how much trash is being thrown away in the world every single day, or how much food is wasted every day whilst someone's dying of starvation every second of every day.

election in malaysia is in 7 days' time. seems that there's a lot of talk about voting for the opposition party, and if there's anytime at all in malaysia's history that the opposition party is gaining more momentum than ever, it should be now. maybe it's because people are more aware of the crisis that's getting worse, or perhaps it's because they're sick of the same old shit repeating itself - year after year of empty promises and mediocre governing that's stalling us, which relatively speaking, is pushing us backward. a small portion of people are happy with the way it is (and it's only 'cause they're getting the bigger piece of the pie), then there are the whiners who'd rather not do anything about it. but most people don't quite like the situation right now, yet they convince themselves it's better than nothing, and so they'd rather want things to stay the way it is than push for any change at all - even if it's for the better. and of course, there's the people who remove themselves from all of these and (or aspire to) run away to other places and avoid everything altogether.

so they say, hey, look, do you think voting for the opposition is gonna change anything? do you think we, the minorities, are ever gonna get anywhere fighting for our rights in this country? do you think change is really ever gonna happen? we'd be better off sticking to the current governing party because even if we're not getting what we want, at least we're given a little 'teasers' when every election approaches. and it's better than nothing, really, practically speaking. it shows that they actually care enough to 'buy' our votes! imagine one day when they don't care anymore? we won't even get any teasers, and then what would happen next? happiness and justice and liberal lifestyle and equality and transparency? who are we kidding.

really? really? if everyone thinks that way, then how can we ever improve or move forward? i'm exasperated knowing that there are so many people out there who can make a change yet refused to do so because they set their minds to think that it won't make a difference and it's all just a waste of time. america didn't get to this point in 50 years, in fact it took them, what, 200 years to earn the equality and their civil rights. if they were merely thankful for what they've got without fighting for what they believed in, this country wouldn't be where it is today. so what makes my fellow cynical pessimistic countrymen think that we shouldn't fight for it just because we can't see what lies ahead in the future beyond our lifetime?

yeah and then there will be those who think that here's a young naive inexperience know-nothing girl speaking, ever so ambitiously, so full of hope. Pity her, they say, for one day she will wake up and realize it's all just a beautiful dream, and her hopes and zest would be sucked out of her as she gets disappointed in life time and again. well maybe they're right. but i stand true to my beliefs. i'd rather live my life knowing that at least i did my part rather than be a spectator. is malaysia downward spiraling? her fate lies in the hands of her people.