Hello 2019

The past year has somewhat gone by in a haze. Bits and pieces surfaced as I tried to recall how I made it through the year. Lots of stress eating, some heartaches, and definitely a lot of repressed memories. It's not all that bad: there were lots of booze, plenty of laughter, too much ice cream and duck fat fries than I cared to remember, and tears, the latter of which I hate to admit. It's the Asian culture that I grew up in that I can't yet shake away, that taught me- tears are for weaklings. And a weakling I am not. Thank goodness for a few good friends whom I can always count on. But even then, people come and go, all the time. That's just how it is. 2017 and 2018 were filled with a lot of growing pains; I learned so much about myself, some of which that surprised me and that I'm not proud of. But at least I know better now, and I'll learn from those mistakes I've made. This year though, will be a better one. I'm sure of it... or at least the optimistic self believes so. The goal for this year will be mastery- through perpetual progress, and building habits. The more zen goal, as trite as it may sound, is to be present. As Ferris Bueller puts it, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." 😎

News vs. Facts

If a tree fell with a thud, but no one heard it, 

has it really fallen? 

If words of truth were written but no one read it,

are they still legit? 

If one was loved by another but he/she alone was utterly blind to it,

has it really happened? Does it still count?

Humans. Most of the time we seek evidence, trust only our senses and what we can concretely grasp, especially when it's in our favour or when it's convenient to us. When it's not, or when it's too complicated/overwhelming, we either a) choose to believe whatever we were taught when we were little (fall back to the primitive model instilled in us in our early years), b) jump to the next most convenient explanation (even if it's absurd), or c) simply walk away and ignore the problem.

Sure, these choices are tempting- they're easy solutions. They don't require much thinking.  Believing what we were told when we were kids is probably the easiest, most convenient, and natural thing to do- because it felt 'right'- when 'right' and 'wrong' were as clear as 'black' and 'white' as a child. It gives us and easy way out.  But that's why we educate ourselves. We go to school not just to get a piece of paper that helps us secure a job, but to learn to think for ourselves. To think through the information we're fed, to parse out the right and wrong (subject to individual moral codes, but that's a different matter altogether), the truth from lies.

These days though, it's increasingly hard to do so. A large part of it is because of the technology that is a double-edged sword- it provides us an abundance of information all just a few clicks away,  but it doesn't separate truths from un-truths/lies/propaganda. There's hardly any information police or regulatory body that fact-check everything, because it's just an impossible task. The onus then is on us to do the hard work ourselves, to check the sources, to analyze what we've read and make up our mind about it. Yet too often we fall into complacency and just reinforce what we already believed in by reading the opinions of those whose ideas align with ours, which makes it easy to skip the thinking part and just drink in what we've been fed. The danger of overly accessible information is like the sexy, seductive mistress who keeps flirting with you, completely intoxicating, irresistible, and- costly.

Too much has been said and written on the election results, and I don't think my two-cents on the postmortem of the event is worth mentioning. Everybody has an opinion, everyone has something to say. Most of them are unhelpful, and are noise. I'm more interested in how things move forward from now on, especially on the healthcare front and the environmental issues / climate change. One example- Standing Rock's fight on the Dakota Access Pipeline is something worth keeping close tabs on, and take action if feasible. Whatever it is, I think it's high time we all start caring about something and work to protect what's important to us and to those we care. Because if we don't, we might find ourselves losing it sooner than we realize. If there's a lesson to learn from recent events, it's to take nothing for granted. Nothing.

Peace,
J

The Girl

It was a rainy day but she needed to get out. Nothing could stop her, not the thunder or lightning, or flash flood warning texts. It was that kind of day.

On days like those, her yellow boots seemed to have a life of their own, and so off they went, taking her on a path that she had never come across. But she could hardly care. Or maybe she didn't even notice. If every thought process, every neuronal activity makes a sound, you'd hear the cacophony of clicks, buzz, and ticks inside that skull, going a little overboard not unlike the time machine that had gone wrong and trying its very best not to explode. Why is all this happening, she thought. She wanted answers. She needed to talk to a friend.

And just like that, she took charge of her path again, finding her way to the coffee shop. It's a hidden gem, on the second floor of an old mansion with a flight of stairs on the right, while the left side of the house was rented to an old tailor. Skipping her way up the stairs, turning right, zig-zagging past all the tables with very chatty customers talking over the soothing 20s' jazzy background music, and not really bothered to only step on the white squares on the floor, something she usually did when she wasn't in this harrowing mood. A dose of bff-pep-talk will make it go away, she mused, crossing the common area, turning left into the corridor with private rooms on both sides, and through the double doors into the kitchen, where her friend was helping her mom making coffee and toasts. Business has always been great, but it's even better when it's gloomy or pouring outside.

The relief of finding her friend lasted about as long as two milliseconds, which instantly evaporated when she caught a glimpse of her. Another two minutes into the conversation and she found that she couldn't possibly burden her friend with her problems when her best friend was having her own crisis as well. After helping out in the kitchen for about an hour, she excused herself, after giving her friend a hug and promising to call later to talk more.

So much for talking to a friend. Outside the color of the sky matched her own dark clouds looming above her head. Again she took off wandering the streets until she chanced upon to a man who seemed like he was expecting her. Out of curiosity, she asked if he knew her. "Come, girl, I want to show you something," he replied. Usually she wouldn't have agreed to that. But it wasn't a usual day, so she followed his lead. A few broken and battered paths away, there they stood, in front of a misplaced apple-green-turquoise minivan with huge floral patterns on it, one that looked like it got teleported from the 60s. To her surprise, the van was like Doctor Who's blue police box, only it wasn't just that. Inside was an entire world of itself. But there was something odd about it. Soon she realized it was a spaceship that was about to take off. And to accommodate as many passengers as possible, everyone had only a tiny caged space slightly taller than the height of a coffin. They were all stacked in twos, and the entire place was jam-packed with rows and rows of caged bunk-beds.

The man led her to her space, with her name labeled on it, and he left without any explanation. She was speechless. Were they expecting her? Why? Where were they going? She never signed up for anything! Was this a punishment for being pathetic? Were all sad and lost souls to be sent off to a faraway prison? So many questions! She didn't have energy to find or ask the man, though. So resentfully she climbed into her space on all fours, and lean against the bars, observing others.  Soon enough she realized, the others weren't forced to do this! They actually looked excited, preoccupied with their handheld devices, perhaps thinking this was some exploratory expedition to outer space or something. Was it?

She had no clue. All she knew was that she's tired, and she just wanted all this to go away. Disappear. She wanted to disappear. Can the ground crack open and swallow her whole? If she closed her eyes long enough, maybe it would happen.

After a long, long while, what felt like an eternity of denial and refusing to face reality, she opened her eyes. And there she was. On her own bed. Alarm clock next to her bed blinked 03:38. A nightmare. It was all a dream. Felt real though. What bizarre subconsciousness has she been suppressing that had to resurface as such in the dream?

More questions. But at least this time, she didn't have to fear being deported into an unknown space while she pondered upon the message of the dream.

Another Year, Here We Go

I used to reflect on the year before, and making new resolutions for the 'new' year, either here or in my journal. But for the past few years I haven't really been keeping track of whether I checked off the list of stuff to do. Part of it is because it's been the same resolutions, and they're more about self-building than a concrete thing to achieve. So this year I wrote myself a note on the eve of New Year's Day, and I thought I'd share it here, mostly just as a reminder for myself if things get tough this coming year, or if things don't happen as I'd hoped for. It'll be okay, I'll survive, and it won't be the end of the world. To all my good friends still reading this, cheers! Here's to a brighter, better year! 

A Note To Self

Words are cheap; promises even cheaper. Do not make promises you can’t keep, not to others, ever more so not to yourself.

Always be positive. When things don’t happen the way you had hoped, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it; it simply means you deserve more.

But that also means you need to pay your dues, work for what you deserve. There’s no free ride in this world, and you’ve got to work for what you want. Be contented, be grateful by all means, but strive to be your better self every single moment.

Be strong, be resilient. Never let the next obstacle stop you from getting where you want to go. If you’re serious about getting there, you will. Anything - given enough time - is possible.

Know what you want. Be curious, be passionate. Choose what you want to excel in. No one can have it all, nor can one do it all. Time is scarcity; time is luxury. Pick your passion, or poison. Stick with it. With enough effort and determination you will be great in it.

Have a plan. But know that it’s okay to change your plans or directions too. No one will fault you for changing your mind as long as you don’t keep doing it just for the sake of doing it, or because you give up too easily. You have a right to choose your path, and it may change over time.

Be kind to everyone, but most of all be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion. Learn to love yourself, that is the first step to loving anyone else. That means knowing how to take care of your health- physically, mentally and emotionally. Again, you can’t do it all. Do not be greedy. Do not be too harsh on yourself either when you can’t meet all your goals.

Learn to take failures in stride. Every failure that happens is a learning opportunity. It is also a data point, to let you know that it doesn’t work, but that also means you’re one step closer to the thing that does work.

Always read. Read as much as you can. It’s the portal to the world you may never have the chance to see in person. Let it open your mind; learn from others’ experience so you won’t have to make the same mistakes. Expand your mind just as the universe is expanding every moment.

But more than that, write. Write everything that comes to mind, even if it’s silly, or politically incorrect. Sometimes it’s for entertainment, sometimes it helps to keep you sane. It doesn’t have to be shown to the world. Just let it flow, and do this for no one else but yourself. You will learn so much bout yourself and this Earth we call home, and everything in between.

Travel the world, go to places, see the extraordinary things built or created by mankind, talk to people. Learn their culture, learn the good things and bad- the good so you can emulate, the bad so you know not to repeat them. There’s so much out there to learn, see, know. They’re all beautiful in their own way, you just need to find a way to appreciate them.

Do something to contribute to the world, to humanity. Our time in this world is so short it’s probably just a millionth of a millisecond in the entire timeline of the universe. Maybe even less. But that shouldn’t stop us from adding value to humanity. We take so much from the world, the least we could do is give a little back during our however transient lifespan.

Most of all, always remember to be present. Live. Open your eyes, feel your surroundings, use all your senses and really live. Tomorrow is promised to no one; the past is nothing but memories. Live every moment as if it’s your last. Spend not all your time and energy anticipating for the next big break, next whatever, while you trudge through the now and forget to live, because when you get there you’ll find that it’s not enough and there’s always another next thing you want. It’s the classic cat-chasing-its-own-tail picture, because you will keep hoping for the next big thing that will change your life and make you happy, but you will get exhausted before you even get there, and you’ll have spent your time sulking and being unhappy, when you've already got what you need to be happy. Really- focus on the now, and you will find peace and happiness.

Hello 2015

It's halfway past the first month of this 'new' year, and I've been seriously contemplating shutting down this blog. In fact, maybe stop writing altogether. Or maybe start a new blog. With a clean state, no history, no past. And then maybe I can reinvent myself, be anonymous. Be anyone I want to be but myself.

But the thing about new blog / new year / new self is this- it's just an illusion. I can start a new blog every year, with a new personality/character, but for all we know- I'm still the same person. And unless there's a time machine to bring me back to the past, I'll still be here and nothing is really 'new', and we don't really get a fresh start.

So no new year resolutions this year. No reflection about 2014 either. I'm just glad I managed to bring myself here to write something. Honestly after such a long time of not writing, I forgot how to write. And all the things I've wanted to write about has left me, and right now there's only an empty shell waiting to be filled with new ideas/thoughts to be shared. But I'm not going to make a promise to self to write every day or every week or whatever, because the last time I did that, it ended horribly.

This year to me is a year full of uncertainty. I have no idea what's going to happen to me- whether I'm going to graduate as planned, what I'd be doing after graduation, where I'll end up etc.  But I'm done worrying. So I'm just gonna let it play itself out, trusting that things will work out just fine. :)

Signing off, xoxo.

October, Resurfaced

Why hello there?!  Hellooooo… (hello oo ooo ooo…) 

I can almost hear the echo that bounces off the virtual wall of this blog, which reflects the emptiness and dead space in between (and quite aptly so), thanks to yours truthfully for not updating this blog for so many months.

It feels so strange to be typing away on the keyboard, and leaving traces of thoughts on this white space, pausing every now and then with the blinking cursor waiting eagerly to move on. I forget how it feels like to put down thoughts in words. Not like this, at least. Everything I've been writing since August has all be patient notes, full of jargons and standard descriptions completely void of creativity or imagination. Steer away from the standard writing and risk being seen as unprofessional rigmarole. It's easy to get used to that though. But now that I'm back here in my own space, I'm not sure if I can write like I used to anymore.

I know not what prompted me to open a new tab, come here and leave a note. At this moment I don't have anything particular on my mind, all there is is an itch to type, and leave something here. As if to prove to the world (or myself) that I'm still around. Still not forgotten. But by whom? Who cares? Does anybody care, or notice my absence?

It is end of October, two more months to a new year. I can't believe how time flies, and I'll be heading home soon. So much for wanting to write more, and jot down notes on my stay here. So much to be said; and yet, sometimes it's better off kept to self.

《那些年》感言

平时很少用中文写部落格的我 （uh 不对，是 从来 没用过中文写的我）
那晚 看了《那些年，我们一起追的女孩》之后，突然好像在这儿乱涂一两句
别人说， 拥有过类似暧昧的感觉的人，都会深同感触
而我，却因为没有属于我自己的故事而深深的感慨
想想当年 17 岁的我，好像缺少了什么
是我让青春白白溜走了吗？是我在很想闯入成人的世
界里的当时，失去了那一点点容许我天真无知的时空么？
有人明白我在写什么吗？

＊＊＊

时光是一去不回头
但就算时间真的能倒流
我想，凭我了解自己性格的我
应该也不会改变我所做过的选择
所以其实 也没什么好感慨的
虽然，有过一段自己的 “沈佳宜” 或是 “柯腾” 的故事
好像蛮令人羡慕的
但错过了，也不差啦

毕竟，每个人都有自己精彩的故事
我的故事，少了这么一个特别的人
但却多了更多很特别，要好的朋友
也让我有更多的精神和时间去关心其他对我非常重要的人事物
做人嘛，开心就好！:)

Pieces, Remembering

Throughout our lives, people come and go all the time. Some became friends and stayed on as significant people in our lives; those are the ones who will always stay with us till the end of time. Some were just acquaintances we barely knew or remembered before we all moved on; either we didn't care enough to know more about them and vice versa, or the time of contact was so brief there wasn't enough opportunity to get to know each other more. Yet others were people we cared very much and would like to keep in touch but alas the feeling wasn't mutual (or vice versa). Those were the kinds that usually end up in broken pieces, not unlike the photo above (pardon the double negative).

Had I known if things were to end up in tragedy, would I still go ahead and gotten to know them? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. Life works in a mysterious way, and in its interwoven mysteries it somehow will lead us along the path that is meant just for us, and nobody else. No one has the boon of knowing the future, so we are all equal in that sense. Every step we take shapes our paths; every choice we fail to make draws us away from what could have been. We will fall, we will hurt along the way. But if all the pain and heartbreaks we have to endure is in exchange for some happiness, love and peace, even if for only a fleeting moment, I reckon it's worth it. After all, we only live once. And we'll never be young again.

Mulling

Have you ever encountered a situation whereby you wish to keep certain things to yourself because, technically speaking, you can and you have the right to: it's your personal life and your ultimate decision to let it be known, or not. Yet, the reality that we live in, governed by certain societal norms, has it that we should share with others our personal stories or incidents or what-have-you's - because we live in a society, and we're all connected to each other, no (wo)man is an island, or whatever reasons to justify such sharing. And perhaps there is a physiologic explanation to it too: we humans can never keep secrets. We just can't. We are not built that way. We are social animals bound to share and communicate with others, and so, in that regard, you can almost argue that there is no such thing as privacy!

Indeed, in the past, our grandparents or great-grandparents used to know everyone in the village or town. Everyone knew everyone and everything everyone was doing, and I doubt the word "privacy" existed in their daily vocabulary. So what then, brought about the concept of privacy? When exactly, in the history of mankind, did the idea of separating private from public life spring to existence? I have no answer to that, but my "guestimate" is - and I may well be wrong about this - it probably occurred some time around when paper was invented. When paper technology was invented, it gave us an avenue to jot down whatever ideas, thoughts, opinions, secrets, etc., that we wished to tell others, and pass it down in written form. In the case of which we do not wish to tell others yet needed a way to "get it out of our system", it allows us to do that too, as long as the written words are hidden from others. It is most likely that it goes a lot deeper and is more complicated than this, but for what I'm referring to in this post, this simplistic view should suffice.

My question is, where do you draw the line with regard to when it is appropriate to tell and when it's okay to not tell? Here I'm not talking about those apparent choices that involve legal actions or moral values. I'm referring to those grey areas between friends, family, relatives, coworkers, bosses etc. There's probably no significant impact if you make the "wrong" choice (if there's such a thing as the wrong choice), so it probably doesn't matter much what we choose to do. Indeed, this is more like a rhetorical question. I'm just wondering out loud, if there is a moral implication when we choose not to share some information we believe is rightly ours and which is part of our private lives, whilst the majority of the outside world believe otherwise. Is there?

Pondering. :P

Suspension

Clear sky, spotted with few fluffy clouds. Light breeze caresses skin, as if trying to soothe her nerves. It would've been a perfect day, had it not been this 'thing' that's been bothering her. Why, she wonders. Why is this happening, that is. But more importantly, why is she letting it get to her. It feels as if she's hanging from a cliff, not knowing whether she'll be rescued, or if she'll fall. No amount of nature's beauty will be able to tranquilize her in that situation. Or, will it? In another point of view, there isn't much she can do, so why not try to enjoy the surroundings and find peace in it? Perception is a very strange thing. We all know that it can change our behaviors, and all it takes is just to change our perception. Yet it is, sometimes, more hard-wired that we allow ourselves to believe.

Like in this case, she could very well choose to think that this irritant, which she has no control over, is but a pimple. One that is irritating to live with, but it will either be 'ripe' and be popped out, or it will eventually go away. Either way, it'll be fine. This 'thing' that's bugging her will eventually be resolved too. Patience, and a different perspective, are all she needs.

The Pricetag of A Human Life

Yesterday afternoon during lunch with colleague, she pointed out there's been quite a number of bodies found in water (here in Singapore). There's the maid in the water tank of a HDB flat; there's the half-body found in Bedok reservoir; and there's the body floating in Singapore River. Are there any others? I can't remember.

Unless someone invented an immortal pill, death is something everyone has to go through. It's nothing new, but there is something about it that bothers me — it's how the living regards the dead that bemuses me, to a certain extent. I say "to a certain extent" because I can understand the "why", but I question the validity of it.

That which bemuses me, is this: why do people feel so deeply for a celebrity's death (like MJ, Princess D, etc. you get the drift) and yet can feel so much lesser, comparatively, if it's "just" an unknown person that they somewhat knew but weren't close with? Is this person "just" another person because he or she wasn't famous enough to be known and remembered by a large enough group? Suppose all things are equal, the difference of reactions towards the two dead due to their status/level of fame (or the lack thereof) is what gets under my skin (albeit just a tiny bit, it's there nonetheless).

So what? You may ask. Yes, indeed. So what if people react to the two dead people differently? Why did it irk me? They're dead anyway, it wouldn't make any difference to them.

Perhaps, you're right. But I guess, to me, this indirectly reflects how we regard life, how we give different people a label of how much they're worth - both in general, as in the case of celebrities; and to us, in the case of our daily lives. In fact, how we view the dead is not too far of from how we treat the living.

Observe your surroundings, and you'll know what I mean. We're all biased. That's usually fine, because we're all imperfect, but that doesn't give us an excuse to mistreat or disrespect others.

Just something to think about. Maybe, just maybe, it may change how you behave to the stranger next to you.

Reflections on 2010

Two thousand and ten was, for me, a great year. I completed most of the things I said I would do, I visited a few places, I'm one step closer to my dream, had quite a few revelations, made quite a few good friends, met interesting people, but most of all, I had a few surprises thrown at me that I never thought would've happened in my lifetime. I am reminded, once again, that life is so much more than what our senses tell us, that there is something bigger going on in this universe. It sounds vague, but only because it is. We mortals only know so much about the universe, which is paltry compared to the vast amount of information yet to be learned.

I've learnt so much over the past year- not just concrete facts or information I learned in the healthcare courses, but something more abstract. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what would've happened if I did one thing different in any point of life- just one, for all it takes is just one, single event to change everything. My life would have taken a different course, no doubt. And yet, I am sitting here typing this, instead of doing or thinking about anything else. As one who never believed everything was just a series of random occurrences, I'm convinced that there is a set of laws that governs life (and beyond), and this set of laws which is more commonly known as Fate, or Destiny, (or God?), continues to intrigue and humble me. 

I stepped into 2010 with very realistic expectations, but came out of it with a handful of surprises, and with a bagful of lessons. I am, if I may say so, a little wiser than I was in 2009, and my heart is filled with gratitude and humility. 2011 will be a life-changing year for me, and I will be starting a new chapter of life. How it will turn out I have no idea, but I'm hopeful. With luck, I'll be able to embark on that road for which I've waited so long. Whatever it is though, I will embrace every moment with my open arms, and continue my journey learning and exploring as I go. I wish everyone the best in this new year to come. :)

Marxism

When we look at someone (an angel) from a position of unrequited love and imagine the pleasures that being in heaven with them might bring us, we are prone to overlook a significant danger: how soon their attractions might pale if they began to love us back. We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as ideal as we are corrupt. But what if such a being were one day to turn around and love us back? We can only be shocked. How could they be as divine as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us? If in order to love we must believe that the beloved surpasses us in some way, does not a cruel paradox emerge when we witness this love returned? "If s/he really is so wonderful, how could s/he love someone like me?"

~ Excerpt from On Love, by Alain de Botton.

Succinct Thoughts in Point Form

- with expectations, come disappointment.

- sometimes i wonder if i'm here in this world to repay the debts from my past life. (and if there was such a thing as past life, i'm pretty sure i was a boy in that life.)

- the palm reader is right:  i have always been - and always will be - a lone ranger who's misunderstood by people all the time. this time round though, i don't want to explain myself anymore. whatever will be, will be. 

- it's high time i channel my energy for something else more productive.like, mingle with a group of first followers and do or learn something awesome every day. :) 

- life is good. and if it's not, keep repeating that to self. it'll come true some day. :))) 

- oh, and by the way, if i could put off my debts from the past life to this one, can i put it off for another lifetime and get to it in the next life?? :P

Machines and Us

David Wallace-Wells wrote a provocative review on Jaron Lanier's new manifesto, "You Are Not A Gadget", and judging from the few excerpts in that review, I'm absolutely convinced it's a book I want and have to read. Will check it out some time soon (after I finish Atul Gawande's books). Until then, I shall reserve my thoughts and opinions on the topic. Here's the review, in case you're too lazy to click over to that page. :P 

Rage Against the Machine

In a watershed 1909 story, published when science fiction was known still as "scientific romance," E. M. Forster reimagined the Victorian dream of an empire of universal knowledge as a future tyranny gorged on endless information. Citizens of his brave new world lived, contentedly, in bunkerlike quarters serviced by a small, personal terminal for a global, Weblike system that brought the user food, music, visual entertainments, books, articles, and correspondence both anonymous and intimate—and that did not simply satisfy the desire for those things, but intuited and perhaps even created it. The network was called "the Machine," and the story was "The Machine Stops."

Today, the futurist Jaron Lanier warns in his persuasive new manifesto, You Are Not a Gadget, the danger is less that our network of machine intelligence will fail than that it will endure—that Web culture, and its chiliastic faith in the superior wisdom of computers, will triumph. Lanier, who invented the immersive computer environments called virtual reality in the early 1980s and who has helped to shape the very contours of that cocksure culture, is the first great apostate of the Internet era. The colleagues, mentors, and students he calls both "digital Maoists" and "fellow travelers" are forging an Internet future that offers the promise of radical freedom, "but that freedom," he warns, "is more for machines than people."

The Web began, Lanier recalls, as a noncommercial, utopian experiment—"in vast numbers, people did something cooperatively, solely because it was a good idea, and it was beautiful." (On early, ugly home pages, he wistfully reminds us, one would find bits of a professor's ongoing academic work alongside sketches of his pet newt.) But today, those elements have been scrubbed away to reveal a singular and anti-individualistic apparatus of cloud computing and reasoning by "hive mind." Why are we so enamored of Wikipedia, the signal achievement of the Web 2.0 era, when it has channeled so much intellectual energy into a reference project that is, at best, only as good as the book it replaces? Do we value knowledge so little, it excites us only when it is free? For Lanier, this is a design problem, propagated by software developers in the grip of a near-religious fervor. The great ecumenical promise of the early Web, he writes, "has been superseded by a different faith in the centrality of imaginary entities epitomized by the idea that the internet as a whole is coming alive and turning into a superhuman creature."

This faith, known in its most florid form as the Singularity and enormously popular in the digital world, hails the imminent rise of superpowerful artificial intelligence, and is built on the idea "that the world can be understood as a computational process, with people as subprocesses." As our machines get smarter, the thinking goes, consciousness will be revealed as a simple outgrowth of computational magnitude, and computers will attain something like personhood. Soon after, the shibboleth says, they will grow from human to superhuman.

To technologists, this is thrilling, a vision of deliverance out of the human realm and into what Lanier calls, incisively, a "lifeless world of pure information." For Lanier, the Singularity is a cult of self-abdication, embraced only by those who aspire to inconsequentiality. In defining as progress the inability to distinguish between people and computers, are we flattering our technology, he asks, or demeaning our own intelligence?

Misty Mystic Mystery

tonight it was as if Nyx the goddess of night came to visit, bringing with her a veil of mist, drawn forth from underworld that blotted out my vision beyond a few hundred metres. perchance it was also her presence that sent a chill to my bones and caused the temperature to drop a few degrees Celcius. my usual route to work was mystified by the layers of mist that enwrapped me and my surroundings, and i couldn't help but getting all perked up at the sight of seemingly different scenery much thanks to the illusion created by the mists. like a child promised of her ice cream, it kept me on my toes, wondering and anticipating for something to happen or reveal itself. something i haven't noticed before or, really, just anything that might trigger yet another spike of imagination that would bring me to places i've never explored - even if it's just in my head.

throughout the 15-minute fog encapsulated journey, i mused at the movement of vapor particles hanging low and floating around, allowing the soft breeze to carry it wherever, surrendering themselves to the larger stronger force without any resistance at all (other than its own mass, that is, if you really wanna get technical). isn't life just like that, with us being one of those vapor particles, and life as the breeze. i am, in fact, just a tiny particle in the vast universe; and i have no idea where life will bring me. not saying that i have no control over my life, or that what i do doesn't matter at all, but on a larger scale, at a macroscopic level, i do believe that each and everyone of us has our destiny written somewhere, somehow. so. i'm just gonna let the breeze take me wherever i'm supposed to go. meanwhile, i shall sit back and enjoy my Brown's Theory journey as a dot particle that crashes into and interact with other similar particles. :)

and on a completely irrelevant note, since we're on the topic of illusions, this rather peaceful night here in a foreign land gave away another split-second illusion that nothing bad could happen to the world. i am safe here. or at least, i feel safe (but in truth might not be so - for reality and perception might not always coincide). indeed, the notion that nothing bad could happen to the world is a delusion, a farce that claws at whoever who'd even entertain that idea. result? well. it will spit at you with the news about bombings at churches back at home, where disputation about the rights of non-Muslims to use the word "Allah" is ongoing. really?! i mean, seriously. the country has so many more urgent issues to be tended, yet they're engaging in a debate on a non-issue like that. oh what has become of my country?! sigh. this should be a granted a completely different post by itself. next time, maybe.

My MBTI Personality

so i did this Jung Typology personality assessment for my class (intro to healthcare organization management & leadership), which is a shorter version of Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment, and i found out that i am INFP (introversion, intuition, feeling, perceiving). below is a summary of INFP traits that i got from this source:

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

Princess Diana, Richard Gere, Audrey Hephurn, Albert Schweiter, George Orwell, Karen Armstrong, Aldous Huxley, Mia Farrow", and Isabel Meyers are examples of a Healer Idealists.

the red fonts are the traits that i resonate to most. and the ugly duckling part?! it's true. ughhh. :(((  well, i know better now, but on bad days i still can't help feeling so. anyway. this is just for fun. if you're interested you can try it for yourself! but don't take it too seriously. in fact -- don't take anything too seriously. :D

alright i'm off. peace out. :)

* for those who don't know about MBTI personality types, read here for more, or you can google MBTI if you wish.

A Gallimaufry of Events

towards the end of last year, i stopped writing consistently - in part due to my coursework, and catching up with all the supplemental reading materials (which up till now i still haven't gotten to). what's more, i was so engrossed in the senate debate on health care reform that i didn't have time to do much else. then there's procrastination and the holidays. so before the hectic lifestyle begins, it's back to my intermittent updates-o-meter on my blog. the stuff i'm writing will be (mostly) in chronological order.

hair-cut: a disaster
so you see, i've been wanting to trim or cut my hair since the beginning of 2009, but for one reason or another i just never got to it. i didn't realize how long it got, until it got in my way in everything i do. so on a crisp November day, i walked to a nearby salon to have it chopped. it was a decision made on a whim, without much thought, but i know when i cut it i wanna donate it. (which i did, and i got a thank-you letter few weeks back.) now the disaster began. that lady didn't trim my hair for me after she literally chopped off my hair. she didn't even attempt to try to make it look presentable! but worst of all, she really did seem contented with her work and thought i looked "good". (?!?!?!?) wtf! i didn't want her to mess up my already-short hair (which, btw, i requested my hair to be cut from shoulder-length downwards) so i hurriedly paid and left before she could do any damage to my remaining hair. decided i couldn't go out like this the next day to work and to class, so i walked to the nearby mall and went to this supposedly reputable hair salon for an emergency trim. just my luck that i had to get this girl who had no sense of symmetry and didn't know how to thin out my hair. uggghhhh. i let her "layer" (if you could even call it that) my hair and "fix" it for the next hour or so, but the end product was still not much better. alas, i had to dash or i'll be late for class so that's that. what a disaster! i'm swearing off non-asian hair salons. those people should really go back to cosmetology school.

thanksgiving
like i mentioned before, i went to blythe for the entire weekend. 'twas a long break, had ample rest. and food omg!! :)) pictures up soon! i want more eggnog with rum! ;)

birthday
that day itself was uneventful. just work, and menstrual cramps. gahh! but i had lots of facebook birthday wishes, and a few birthday cards from important friends, so i'm okay. didn't feel completely deserted or forgotten. am thankful for my family, my brothers (whose bday card just arrived yesterday!), my friends who took the trouble to get me a card and send them by snail mail because they know i love it. more on birthday-related story in another post soon! i'll have to take pictures of the cards i got, my friends are funny. :P

Christmas
finally! this year i actually did something as opposed to the past Christmases whereby i just stayed at home not doing much. this year's Christmas was surrounded by lots of love and coziness in the little cocoon out in the desert. :) i can't ask for more. pictures of Blythe Christmas will be up soon too, in another post.

two-timer
sometime during the long holidays, i found out about certain scandals that i didn't know about and that i wished i didn't know. apparently it's been on-going for quite some time now, but nobody wants to be involved in it and so everyone pretty much chose to turn a blind eye on it. there's much dispute whether we as friends to all parties involved should interfere and warn the victim about what's going on. i personally think we should, because first of all what the other two did was wrong, and secondly the victim would find out one way or another anyway. it's just a matter of time. that being said, i haven't done anything yet. but i now have an utter distaste for that girl who could have stop all these from happening. please do not fend for them and say "not all things are black and white". it doesn't apply here. and on another note, i heard another similar story happened to a very close friend too. i hope he's coping well.

love and heartache
love can be so blind it sometimes makes you do stupid sh**. one wonders where the hell does one's common sense go, when it comes to that four-letter word. love can be possessive to the extent that it becomes toxic. then there are those who said "better to love and be loved, than not at all". i'm sure there's truth to it, but only when it's not the crazy intense feverish emotion that might take complete control of a person. and while i don't dispute the goodness that love brings to this world and our human race, i do think that sometimes it really is over-rated. (p.s. the love i'm talking about is strictly between man-woman kinda love, not the family love or friendship love etc) yet if you look closely, it's precisely this fiery intense love that most people, if not all, yearn for. the unrequited love is almost always more exciting and interesting, isn't it - notwithstanding the heartache it brings, that is. talk about irony!

Two K Ten

I wonder how much weight I've put over the past month or so. Whatever it is, it's a number I don't wanna know. This year it's all about being pragmatic. On my list of new year's resolutions, you won't find anything about losing weight to x kg. This year I shall keep it simple. In fact, it's even simpler than last year's. It's so simple I'd rather just remember them than to put them down in words. They say if you make public of your intentions to do certain things, chances are you probably won't see them through - because blogging about them or relaying to others would seem as if you're already half-way there. You then cut yourself some slack and you lose focus thus fail to realize them. I'm a walking example of that saying. So this year, I'm just gonna keep them to myself. We'll see if I have accomplished any of them at the end of the year.

So it's 2010 eh. I look around and find myself still standing at the same spot I was last year - which is, in short, not where I wanna be. There's a thousand thoughts zooming past each other in my head, and I don't know which to focus on first. Have I done anything that I've regretted? Yes, of course. Would I have done things differently if I get to go back in time? Probably, but since turning back time is impossible (as far as I'm aware of), I'd rather not dwell on this. Have I done my best in working towards my goal? No. I probably could have been more efficient, more disciplined, less emotional. Alas, the lack of planning and foresightedness is a costly mistake, and I'm paying for it now. Luckily for me, it's still not too late to fix things, so hopefully this year things will get better.

Last year was sprinkled with many little joys and series of miserable moments. Some stretched longer than the others. But mostly, 2009 has been blurry for me. It passed by so quick I barely noticed anything. It felt like it was only yesterday that Obama gave his inauguration speech. It felt like it was just not too long ago that I called my friends in other parts of the world (whose birthdays fall on January) to wish them happy birthday. Felt as if it was just a while back when I still lived in Santa Ana with my landlady, who cooked for me every day. I do miss her sometimes, and I know I lived a more comfortable life with her pampering me with all her cooking. But that's also one of the reasons I moved out - to get out of the complacency that is slowly but surely eroding my goals. So I put myself in this slightly uncomfortable living situation as a reminder that this is really just temporary. (It better be!) I need to get out of here asap.

In half an hour's time, I'll be off to work; and my classes commence in two days. This year, I wish for a peaceful year, and that whatever happens I hope I'm a step closer to achieving my dreams.

And We Do, Don't We All?

Jeff Buckley - We All Fall In Love Sometimes (Elton John's Cover)

Wise men say

It looks like rain today

It crackled on the speakers

And trickled down the sleepy subway trains

For heavy eyes could hardly hold us

Aching legs that often told us

It’s all worth it

We all fall in love sometimes

The full moon’s bright

And starlight filled the evening

We wrote it and I played it

Something happened it’s so strange this feeling

Naive notions that were childish

Simple tunes that tried to hide it

But when it comes

We all fall in love sometimes

Did we, didn’t we, should we couldn’t we

I’m not sure `cause sometimes we’re so blind

Struggling through the day

When even your best friend says

Don’t you find

We all fall in love sometimes

And only passing time

Could kill the boredom we acquired

Running with the losers for a while

But our Empty Sky was filled with laughter

Just before the flood

Painting worried faces with a smile