Remembering

“Death is the destination we all share, no one has ever escaped it. 

And that is as it should be because death is very likely the single best invention of life.” 

― Steve Jobs

When there is life, there is death. Every new life that comes to this world is guaranteed nothing but death that will ensue, albeit it being just a far-off concept that no one ever thought of at the present moment. But of course. Why would anyone think about that when they're too busy rejoicing in the beauty of this bundle of joy in their arms, their mini-selves. Unless you're like me, who's weird and morbid at times. It's a good thing then, that I'm not in the position where I have to deal with the contradictory emotions.

In medicine, it's hard not to think about death, when you're dancing around it on most days, if not all the time. Fact is, mortality stares at you all the time. Healthcare folks somehow learned not to be bothered by it, and just kept an arms' length from it, I suspect to protect themselves from being too emotional or overwhelmed, and also to be able to function and carry out their tasks. It's a matter of habit, and one can usually go about his/her daily business, focusing on the science/medical aspects of the job, instead of the life and death that is the core of what we do every day. But-- when it comes to someone we love or care about, it'd be tough, if not impossible, to ignore this aspect at all.

In all honesty, I only knew her personally for a short while, so I don't think I have the right to be tremendously affected when I heard of the news. And yet, I felt disproportionally affected- more than I think I should, because in that short period of time I've grown to care for her. She was this amazing, extremely capable, independent woman, who had accomplished so much both in her professional and personal lives, always positive, generous, caring, selfless, and determined. So when she found out she had this terminal illness, her personality and character didn't allow her any other way to deal with it other than facing it head on, with that fierce determination to beat it. Her grit, her strength, even at her weakest moment, amazed me, and touched me to my core, and I wished I could've done more for her. I almost believed that if anyone deserved a reprieve from a terminal illness, it would be her. It has to be her. I want it to be her. But alas, cancer is a b--ch, and there's a reason why terminal illness is called a terminal illness. And so when I heard, though it wasn't completely surprising, it was still a shock (that it happened sooner than I thought).

I want to be mad at God (if there is one), for taking a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend away from those of us whose lives she had touched. But my upbringing and beliefs also taught me that: 1) death is inevitable, and 2) life is unfair.  Couldn't exactly get angry at impermanence of life now, could we. As for the second point, I don't think anyone has come up with a solution for that yet.

Sigh.

I will always remember her as the beautiful person that she was, inside and out.

To those reading this, it seems cheesy or cliché to say it, but really-- cherish every moment of your life, and those around you, for you never know...  Tomorrow is promised to no one, today is all we have.

January Weddings

January breeze and its fairly dry weather make it a good time of the year to have weddings. Of course, that's not the only factor when it comes to choosing dates. Those who are married would know it involves the two families and a whole lot of planning (maybe even arguments/disagreements/panic attacks etc.), and not to forget a sage if you will, who somehow can tell you the auspicious dates you can choose from for the wedding day, just by having the couples' time and date of birth. Fascinating ain't it. I personally am amused by it. 

Anyway. Back to weddings. One of the two that I attended was of my best friend's. This is irrelevant to the wedding but I just remembered- back when we were kids we used to keep a notebook with fictional stories about us and our friends, and we'd take turns writing it, just sorta improvised with the plot, and tried to write as close to reality as possible. Kinda like a parallel universe that only we knew existed. It was just so much fun. Childhood, when all is possible and sky is the only limit. Now we're all grown up and one is married with a baby girl, the other has just become a Mrs., and yours truly is still… well. Let's just say I still feel like a kid at heart. :)  Some pictures to share. 

One of my favorite shots, from Ling's phone camera. Besties forever.

Kisses, and much love. 

Hello to Mr. And Mrs. 

Super cute couple. :)  Seeing them together makes me go awwwww. :)) 

Here's another bestie with his fiancée, who will get hitched soon. ;) Yay!

All set to give out Ang Paos to all the little ones in the family. 

First time CP met with little Marissa. 

Carrot carvings. Almost tempted to bring it home. 

Cake-cutting and champagne ceremony. 

Us. And our growing family. ;) 

The best part about having them besties is that,

we care for each other, regardless of our coordinates on the map. 

Singapore, Malaysia, Australia, wherever. 

We'll be there for each other always and forever. 

I would have shared some more photos of the other wedding, but I forgot to backup the photos before deleting them. :(  Stole the photo below from a friend, heh. I looked like a haggard old maid, but whatever. The bride is beautiful as ever, and that's all that matter. 

Wishing the two newly weds all the love in the world, and may their new chapter of life be filled with joy and adventures. xx. 

2013 At A Glance

This year I learned that my body and my mind don't communicate with each other. One can be weaker than the other; it doesn't matter which is weaker, either way, I suffer.

This year I know I've underperformed, for reasons best kept to myself. But one important take home lesson is that I should believe in myself more. I really should. It's something I've struggled for a long time, but this time it hit me hard.

This year I felt there were more downs than ups for me, but maybe that's not true. I do have many blessings too. I went to places, saw things and people that reminded me of how fortunate I am; I met and made new friends, I'm beginning to learn to be more selective with friends, keeping only the ones who are true and sincere; I was given the opportunity to do something good for others; I learned some Tagalog; I passed a tough exam; I still love and enjoy what I'm doing/learning now. 

This year my best friend gave birth to a little princess; my classmate gave birth to a prince; another one got a baby girl too. Another best friend got married. My grandmas are still around and don't have major health issues (special thanks to big brother and Cynthia for taking care of ah mah). These are among the many things I'm grateful for. 

And yet, in some ways this year went by in a lightning speed, my memories of the year were marked by sporadic blackouts which I couldn't recall much of what happened. 

This year is finally over. I'm thankful for all that happened, and all that did not. I'm still learning about life, still finding ways to be a better self. This coming new year will be a year about a better self, and my goal is to take it easy, and live every day like it's the last. 

Happy new year everyone! 

Moments

Just before we plunged right into the topic on fluids and electrolytes management in children, our professor decided to share a poem with us. Of course. How else would you start a lecture in the afternoon heat if not by inspiring them with a great poem, eh?! :P  Here's the poem to share. Enjoy!

Moments 

by Jorge Luis Borges

If I could live again my life,

In the next – I’ll try,

- to make more mistakes,

I won’t try to be so perfect,

I’ll be more relaxed,

I’ll be more full – than I am now,

In fact, I’ll take fewer things seriously,

I’ll be less hygienic,

I’ll take more risks,

I’ll take more trips,

I’ll watch more sunsets,

I’ll climb more mountains,

I’ll swim more rivers,

I’ll go to more places – I’ve never been,

I’ll eat more ice creams and less (lime) beans,

I’ll have more real problems – and less imaginary ones,

I was one of those people who live

prudent and prolific lives -

each minute of his life,

Of course that I had moments of joy – but,

if I could go back I’ll try to have only good moments,

If you don’t know – that’s what life is made of,

Don’t lose the now!

I was one of those who never goes anywhere

without a thermometer,

without a hot-water bottle,

and without an umbrella and without a parachute,

If I could live again – I will travel light,

If I could live again – I’ll try to work bare feet

at the beginning of spring till the end of autumn,

I’ll ride more carts,

I’ll watch more sunrises and play with more children,

If I have the life to live – but now I am 85,

- and I know that I am dying …

Listen: Note On Love

Found this on this site, thought it'd be nice to share. Enjoy!

Snuffed- Part 2

Image source: Google search on suicide. 

Looking back at the blogpost I wrote on suicide last year, maybe I was being too harsh on them. I sounded pissed off at those who committed suicide, and indeed I was. I still am, a little bit, when I think about it. But since then, I've learnt to see things from a different light. I tried to reason that maybe there were causes obscure to the judging eyes of the public (yes, I too am guilty of it), maybe they were mentally sick but undiagnosed and they didn't know how to get help, or that they need to get help. It could be a million other reasons for what happened to them, and it is only fair that I don't jump to conclusion about them so quickly, so unsparingly.  

And so I put the issue to rest and haven't really thought about it, until last month. Few weeks ago, there was a suicide case- a 17 or 18 year-old boy from my ex-high school jumped from his apartment building due to "depression and pressure from school", or so the media alleged. *deep sigh*  It just breaks my heart to see a budding young man who had so much to offer and yet chose to end his life just like that. I don't know why he did what he did, I don't think anyone will ever know, but I'd contend that ending one's life is not a way to solve any problem at all. Sigh. If I were to be philosophical about it, I'd question what the heck happened to the society we live in these days, that caused the seemingly increasing number of people who'd rather choose to end life than to face life's adversity. In this world of abundance, is there not a single ray of hope for them at all?! 

Alas, being philosophical and asking questions like these will not change a thing. Nor will my initial emotion of anger and contempt. Suicidal intent is a mental problem that should be taken more seriously and should be of concern to you, me and people around us. Perhaps if we all know a little more about it, maybe we could detect symptoms of those feeling depressed and are crying for help. And if we could get them help early enough, we might've spared a life, and many more heartaches of those around them. 

Though I realize it's stupid to presume a depressed person would stumble upon this blog, I still want to say this: to those who are feeling depressed or have thought about suicide, please pause for a moment to think about your family, and the people who love and care about you. Know that if and when you die, you're just dead and that's the end of it, but it is they who have to live with the pain and the loss of someone they once loved, for the rest of their lives. Nothing can be worse than that, particularly for your parents. 

That's all I have to rant about today lol. Peace. 

10 Virtues for the Modern Age

Just another something to share.

Another Year Older

Hello hello! I'm back! So much has happened since I last wrote about what's going on in my inner world. Quotes and updates about stuff that's going on are really just cover-ups to pretend that all is well. Not that things aren't going on well, but there are events that were encountered that left a bilious taste in the mouth, and I'm reminded yet again that sometimes no matter how hard you try things just won't go the way you want it, and you have to learn to pick yourself up and move on. Towards the end of the year, few things happened to make me reconsider who I really am on one occasion, and who my true friends are on another. I tend to make the mistake of trusting people too easily, caring too much about certain "friends", and I guess it turns out that they don't feel the same way. And so I always end up being sad for reasons that didn't have to be. But that's fine. This year it's about letting go, and remember that I have a lot of people around me whom I should be thankful for. Because of them, my world is a brighter place, and it's okay to have a few heartaches too, for I know there are always those whom I can turn to for support. Happy new year to all! May this year be full of love, happiness and pleasant surprises!

coffee and dessert with two of my fav people.

 the family. 

this is how my big brother shows his love. XD

home is the safest place on earth.

birthday gift from my oldest and bestest friend. :)

classmates whom i grew to love so much over the year and a half.

birthday gift from closest friend and housemate.  

good food, awesome company.

surprise gift from my secret santa and my fav fruit cake and chocs from stefie :) 

with my high school gang :) 

my powderpuffs, as always :)

Jack's Lines

It's not that I can't fall in love. 

It's really that I can't help falling in love with too many things all at once. 

So, you must understand 

why I can't distinguish between what's platonic and what isn't, 

because it's all too much and not enough at the same time.

- Jack Kerouac

Souls.In Love

Souls in Love

By Hands Percussion

If our souls can be weighed, how much is given to love?

No one remains alone forever. We are bound by love.

Love is familiar. It is a part of us as we live and breathe, at every waking moment. Yet, can any of us truly grasp its meaning? Is there even a meaning to love?

Some say that modern day love is only imagery – it is passionate, it overwhelms, and is selfish.

We kill love with trivialities – who has taken too much, who has given too little. No one should stay if the love is unrequited.

Love is not always a sad tale about passions and regrets. Nor is it an unfaltering candle always burning bright.

Love is a schemer of the highest order, arousing all sorts of emotions within us at different times, and sometimes all at once. In love, we find warmth and cold, fight and desertion, joy and hatred, satisfaction and annoyance.

Some say we can measure the value of our existence by the weight of our love.

Love is never right or wrong.

We find love in the sweet whisperings of a young courting couple; and in the drone of a spinning, jaded city.

And sometimes we find love in complete silence.

Love penetrates, tussles, and scathes our hearts. Like a scar marked with its memories – it cannot be mended or erased. Like the multi-coloured shades of love, the gradient of our lives change with every encounter.

We all have tales of love of our own. Some are explicit, and others are locked away in the deep vaults of our hearts.

Love is an image. An abstract notion, yet so real.

愛・本相

靈魂的重量裏，到底有多少是給了愛？

世上的一切都不孤零，人融合於一個精神──愛。所謂「愛」，似乎人人都知曉，也被視為人之常性。但又有幾人真正明白愛的本質？

有人說我們身處在一個愛情泛濫又同時匱乏的年代。人與人之間總在計較，誰少愛了點，誰付出多一點。無論如何，沒人願意像賣火柴的小女孩，凝視著一根又一根劃亮火柴中所顯現的種種，最終只得幻象。

愛，不會只是鴛鴦蝴蝶，也不僅是閃爍著朱紅光芒的神龕。愛，含括了這個世界所有的殘酷與溫暖、所有的奮力與棄逃、所有的喜悅及悔恨、所有的燥烈及柔和……，更多的時候，是關於人們對自己存在價值的必然質疑。

Hands Percussion is one of my favorite performance group. Should check them out if you're in KL! They are performing between August 9 and 12 at KLPAC. 

2011 In Pictures

2011 was scattered with very few posts, but hopefully this year there will be more. Overall, it's been a year full of family reunions, schoolmates' gatherings, and weddings. Early in the year when I just got back for good, I couldn't help but wonder if coming back is the "right" decision. But as time goes by I find myself forgetting that question completely- being back and being closer to family (including extended family) and friends have been great for me. Yes the traffic sucks; some drivers really piss me off (especially when they don't use the freakin' signal lights!); and yes I could go on and on about what's dissatisfying here. But really, every country has its own problems. As I grow older, priorities shift, and I find myself wanting to be closer to family, in case they need me. I care less about my ideals for the country, and whatever else for that matter. Perhaps in due time, I'll have different ideas of whether to settle down in this country. But right now, I'm happy I'm back home. Even happier and absolutely thankful that I'm on the right track to pursue my dreams.

Anyway. Here are some pictures- they're by no means a complete account of 2011, but they are some snapshots of what happened over the past year, and they're the people close to heart. :)

Grandma and I sharing ice-cream waffle at A&W. :D

Melacca day trip with brother, Choon (who's kinda like a brother too), 

Yan Ru, Yuen Mei and Aaron.

This is Aaron the big bully. :P 

Asam Laksa, my eternal love. 

Paternal grandma, at an aunt's wedding.

My second family- granduncle, grandaunt and their son.

Lived with them when I was in Singapore.

Best friend's wedding dinner, in May. 

SG - ex-colleagues at our company event. Sports day I think (or something like that).

Des and I, we go wayyyy back. 

She's the sister I never had. :)  *Hearts*

High school friends who hung out with me when I was in SG. :)

High school friend's wedding. One of the best gatherings ever. 

Aunt's tea ceremony day, before the wedding dinner. 

We're only 4 years apart, so she's more like a sis to me too.

Oooohh my new friends, classmates, and pioneers. :)

Another wedding dinner in November. High school gathering #2. :) 

We knew each other since forever! Val (on the left) was my first and oldest friend. :)

A reunion lunch after 5 years.

My birthday cake. And family. :) 

Checkout the footprints. Hopefully I'll get to travel this year. :P

FRIM's canopy walkway on Christmas day.

Hello relatives from Penang. :)

my brothers and i. :) 

On Passion

It's great to be surrounded by people so passionate in what they're doing. They never tire in teaching or sharing their knowledge, they keep pursuing further knowledge, they love that you want to know more and they get excited about you asking questions. And the best part is that no matter what these people are passionate about, their love of the subject, their bursts of energy and enthusiasm never fails to seep out and affect the others around them. It's just wow. It's completely inspiring. I'm just grateful to be here, to know these people, to learn from them. 

A professor left us with this before he returned to the States: "You know, I always tell my students, whether it's clinical medicine, research or teaching, you should pick one and excel in it. It doesn't matter what. Just pick one and shine in it. If you wanna excel in all three, that's fine. But if you don't want to excel in anything, well. Then I don't know why we're here at all." 

Note: Picture above was taken in Singapore Art Museum. I loved it the moment I saw it. So vibrant, so full of life. :)

Rats and Horses Don't Get Along

You know what they say about people born in the year of Horse and people born in the year of Rat? That they don't get along. Well there are 3 "rats" in my house right now- my mom, my uncle (dad's brother) who stays with us on weekdays, and myself; and 2 "horses" - my dad and my (maternal) grandma. It's funny now when I'm writing about it, but sometimes things can get really heated up, and it doesn't always end well, especially between my grandma and mom; and between dad and myself. It's not that big of a deal most of the time, but it's really interesting to see how grandma always likes to irritate mom; and how dad likes to do the same to me. It's like he finds joy in pushing the button in me and will declare victory when he succeeds in pissing me off. Well okay, I do agree it's kinda fun (and funny) at times. Now that I'm not a child and he doesn't play the dominant paternalistic role as much anymore, it's okay for me to "answer back" when he said something that clearly doesn't make sense. And so, it's become our little game that we play so very often. It's the equivalent of "poke" on facebook, or if you wanna use the ping pong analogy, that works too- this is our secret ping pong game. Other people may find it weird or see me as the disrespectful daughter, but that's just what it seems from the outside. All I can say is, it's not always what it seems to be.

Anyway- today is his birthday, and it's the first birthday that I get to celebrate with him in the last 5 years. When I was away I didn't really think it was a big deal to miss occasions like these, but it sure is great to be back home and being able to be there on birthdays, weddings, and all that stuff. Dad and I don't always get along, but he's still a great father to all of us, and he makes sure he gives us the best that he can afford. The reason I am who I am today is in large part due to him; and for better or worse, I wouldn't want to change a thing. He won't be reading this, nor do I intend to let him, but I do want to jot it down in words, in my not-so-private virtual space, "Thank you for everything, love you dad." :)

In One's Dotage

My new job requires me, among other things, to integrate and coordinate the operations and activities in a nursing home, so the first thing I have to do is to get to know this nursing home. And that's what I've been doing for the past two weeks. It's been great, I'm slowly getting the big picture of how to run a nursing home, but it's still a long way to go before I fully grasp the in-and-out of the facility.

The learning part aside (which was really exciting), I got to see a lot of the old folks in need of care. Some of them still mentally alert, some physically disabled, some with dementia. Almost half of them are bed-bound; many are abandoned by family members. We have another facility, at a different location, which houses the chronic sick, mostly with congenital diseases; those were even more heartbreaking to witness. Those ah-peks and ah-mahs reminded me of my grandma, though her condition is not anywhere close to theirs. I found myself feeling sorry for them, and at some point I was at the verge of tears. But almost simultaneously I felt ashamed of myself -- for someone who wants to serve in healthcare, how can I be so weak? No, emotions should be refrained. These people need care, and I have work to do. I have to remind myself not to get too sentimental. It's a tough job, taking care of those residents. I salute the nurses, I really do. Note to self though- I'll never put my folks in a home, no matter how great those homes are. And I won't want to live anymore, if I can't be of any use to the society, OR, if I can't enjoy the simple pleasures of life. 

Aging. Something all of us have to go through. How you want to look at life and how to live the autumn and winter of your life, however, is completely up to you.

Chant

It's about the will to live. To live each day better than the day before. When you look at how some people around you going through hardships for decades without even hissing a sigh or whine, it makes you almost guilty for feeling deflated because of whatever obstacles you face. They are peanuts compared to what those people had to go through. It's high time to put aside all heartaches, roll up your sleeves and get to work. Go gather your spirit of fighting and get ready to set out again, because you still have a long way more to go. 

The World is a Beautiful Place

The World is a Beautiful Place

by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our Name Brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patrolmen

and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh
is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
'living it up'
Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling
mortician

Superbowl Weekend

it was a weekend of coziness, friends, laughter, scrumptious food, and cute huggables. kids are the most adorable thing ever (when you don't need to change their diapers heheh). here are some photos to share.