Parallel Tracks

the month of May went by in a whiff, i barely noticed it. grapes tasted a tad bit too sour, the sun a tinge too bright, yet my ice cold world remained frigid. my one and only fam here left for home, leaving me here alone. then a series of unfortunate events found its way to me - though they could also be thought of as blessings in disguise, depending on how you see it - as if they were omens sent to warn me of the bigger, worse tragedy. could it be??

not too long ago i woke up one morning and found myself in a pool of puddle that i detested, and i had no idea how i got here. like a movie playing in the cinema, only it had snippets of it cut off inelegantly, such that one could never truly understand it because all the important parts were rid of. stretches of memories were subconsciously eluded, because without them one did not have to endure the painful conscience from which the very actions brought forth. yet even when memories were deliberately forgotten, the situation remained the same: i still detest the same old puddle i landed myself on, and have no way of getting out of it.

and then there were two dreams. one, was of hatred. i could probably use other less potent word to describe it, but in that dream, it felt nothing less intense than that. and because i don't usually use the word, much less feel that way towards anyone, it came much like a surprise attack my own thoughts sprung on me. was it just a mood, just a phase that i was going through, that made me feel such hostility towards others because i needed a way to release all the negativity infesting in me? it has to be, right? how else can i explain that terrifying belligerence in my subconscious mind? i am shocked, and even mildly repulsed by my own thoughts as i type this. could it be that i was capable of such pugnacious thoughts? boy, was i really dissatisfied with my life! (on the other hand i must say, i'm also thankful for that dream: it served as an outlet for me and i feel much better now)

the other dream was more like a fraction of an enlightenment, albeit a less-than-pleasant one. in relation to my dissatisfaction of my current situation right now, i feel as if i'm living a separate life, the one other than my real life. these two lives are like two trains running on two parallel tracks, with me trying to hop across from one to the other. at the moment, it seems as if the two tracks are slowly inching away from each other, and i'm not doing any better in my attempts of switching trains. then it dawned on me: what if, what if i don't ever get across? what if i couldn't leap across to my real life and the parallel tracks do not meet at some point, but rather move away to the opposite ends of one another? then what? am i gonna live this other life that isn't really mine? or will it transform into what i can rightfully call mine, and feel that way too? this is, of course, just a rhetoric question. and i'll leave it at that.

the piece of dark chocolate melted away on my tongue, leaving behind a bittersweet taste in it. it didn't make me feel any better like i expected it to. but perchance it's because i expected too much, hence the disappointment?! what's it gonna be for me, i have absolutely the slightest idea. but isn't it precisely the unknown that makes life all the more interesting to live? :)

p.s. it's siqin's birthday today. wish her happy birthday, everyone! :)