1:36am

these days it's hard to find a person to talk to anymore. and i don't mean the little talks about oh-how-do-you-do, whats-up-with-your-life, that's-a-nice-car, hmm-whats-for-dinner, so-whats-your-plans-for-the-weekend kinda talk. heck these days i don't even know myself or understand what's going in that pumping heart well enough to talk about it. we live in a world so full of distractions. so much distractions that i don't know how to start listing them down. there's always a meeting to attend, a baseball game to go to, a tv show to catch, some friends to hang out with, a dinner appointment, a party that can't be missed, a shopping spree that's terribly needed for the "soul", and the list goes on.

with all these temptations/entertainment/colorful distractions, we forgot to listen to our hearts, which in turn made us forget what we truly need deep down inside, and hence forgetting what makes us happy. in short, we got lost. many a time lots of us didn't find our way back, and some became miserable and helpless, some cynical, some wouldn't even realize that they got lost until the very end of their lives. imagine going to a bazaar, something like Chatuchak. we were all so blinded by all the colorful merchandise, beguiled by the amusing novelties that just seemed endless, exploring new territories with all our senses. there's always something to see at every corner of every intersection; and so we made choices at every junction, and we bargained for the most out of the least we were willing to pay. yet there's no correct answer to all that there's only decisions to be made; decisions that would only bring you to the next scenario where more decisions had to be made again. it's a loop - you can't stop, we all can't stop, because time doesn't play catch-up. oops too bad if you missed this deal, find another one; too bad if you missed the bus, wait for the next one. or take the cab.

and that's all dandy, because it's all part of life. it's only when you don't know what you want anymore that the problem arises. what if, somewhere along the way, you can't decide which one you like more - sky blue or white (which is still fine cuz then you can get both) - or worse, you find that you don't care anymore, and everything tastes and looks the same to you. what is there to look forward to, when that happens? and who do you go to when you need to talk about it? it feels wrong to talk to anyone, because i know everyone has their own problems, and it'd be selfish to dump my issues on them, hoping for some words of comfort. and so, i'm in the midst of neither here nor there, smacked in between. though it's not that i don't know what i want, it sure feels like there's three oceans and one continent between me and where i wanna be.

i know i'm doing what i can, and that i shouldn't worry unnecessarily, which i'm not, and i'm trying my best to not show my worries too explicitly during the day. but at night, at this hour, i feel what i feel periodically - jaded. and it comes and goes, like a yo-yo. and i've written bout this feeling a thousand times in different ways, but ultimately it's the same feeling. but tonight i discovered the reason i'm feeling this: it has to do with something along the lines of love and a sense of belonging. and love, is a topic i never talk much about. but i think i'll go into it in more details in my next post. so yes, await for the next post that reveals a very personal part of me that i'm gonna share. that's... if i don't change my mind by sunrise.. good morning all.