Updates that aren't really updates hah!

sooooo. my lil brother asked why i haven't been blogging. my excuse was that i have no time to do so, which, we all know, is an invalid one. so i'm just gonna post some raw random rants i wrote the other day that i thought should be edited before i post it cuz it's a lil incoherent. but who cares right. the only people reading this are people who know me, so its fine cuz by now they should know that i'm just too random liddat. :P so dear all, have fun reading my random thoughts! meanwhile i shall finish writing my other post that's been saved as draft since forever.

--------------------------------------------

15th of May, 2009. 11:20am.
i'm trying to capture all the thoughts that are firing away vehemently in my head as i read Albert Camus' L'Estranger. it worries me a little that i won't be able to remember all the feelings and emotions that it provoked in me, for i know they'll dissipate like smoke diffusing into thin air. i need to trap them in an overturned glass, or in a ziploc bag, somehow, someway. and so that's why i'm here.

there's so much to say, to tell. to think, even. i'm confused, by my own thoughts and by the multitude of emotions invoked in me. it doesn't do me enough justice if i use just a few words to conclude how i'm feeling. because what i'm feeling is a lot of things, but also nothing in particular. some has to do with the book, some don't. here's a few that i'm trying to remember.

for one, a pang of remorse would seize me whenever i think about the fact that nowadays the weight of spoken words are less than it should've been. i see people talking and talking and they could go on forever, as if if they'd stop for a second the world would crumble and so they have do their best to hold up the (or more like, 'their') world with their words, even if at the end of the day, their speech probably tells you nothing more than what you've known before the whole conversation began.

if i could, i would keep mum unless i have something to say. but one can't thrive in this world if this unorthodox behavior is to be practiced. to the rest of the world, it doesn't really matter what you say as long as you say something. all you have to do is churn out strings and strings of words that aren't necessarily substantial and you're good to go. the better you are at it - at making small empty talks - the better it is for you. not necessarily for your inner self, but as far as blending in with the crowd, making friends, not being seen as an oddball, or even career advancement, as far as these go, the statement couldn't be any truer. spoken words have become less worthy than it should've been. it just makes me wonder, if everyone is (or most people are) behaving the same way, adopting the same lifestyle, then could it be that my way is the wrong one? afterall, 'right' and 'wrong' are relative terms, and there's no absolute in these. if being wrong is the majority, then who's to say 'wrong' is not right and the 'right' not wrong? (which by the way, is one of the themes in George Orwell's 1984. just started reading it yesterday, will write more when i'm done with the book.)

which led me to the next point. we're all constantly being judged, whether we like it or not. there's no escaping it. no one really cares why you did what you did. rarely do you come across people who think from your perspectives (and i don't include psychologists or anyone who does this as a reflex due to occupational habits). if yours is the populist's idea/majority, then you're right. if not then you must be wrong. the crowd mentality.

--------------------------------------------

okay so that's the end of the random post, for now. i accidentally deleted 2 paragraphs of previously written randomness, so i guess they'll have to come to me some other time. righto, randomness to be continued...