Tears That Blurred My Vision

i woke up this morning telling a lie.

what made me think i'll start the day on a happy note, i do not know. but as usual, i wake up and start my day with my morning ritual - checking emails (yes, before even washing up :/). and there it was. a mail from a relative that linked me to this blog. see i believe what you did will come back and haunt you, on way or another. i told a lie this morning, and though it had no direct connection to the blog that made me feel the way i do right now, i couldn't help but think: it's karma. :(

reality never felt any more real that it did today, right now, at this instance; and i couldn't stop the two streams of salty teardrops gravitating towards earth. drop by drop, it hit the keyboard with a steady rhythm. distance has dampened whatever emotion that i would've felt if i were there; it sucked away my ability to conceive reality. but on this gloomy morning, it's like a slap on my face, a push of my head under the water until i lost my breath, until i had a glimpse of near-death. it finally hit me. the loss of someone i've loved deeply. the concept of being gone, *pooof* disappear, like magic (in this case black magic :/), and never coming back, never to be seen again the next time i step into her house (god knows when that is). but most of all, i felt the pain of a mother (and father too of course) having to send her child away, and go through all of this. and even more so, knowing that what i felt wasn't half as close as what her parents felt.

if you read the blog dedicated to her, you'll get the gist of how many lives she's touched. the regret that everyone felt of her leaving this existence is not so much because she's a loss to the medical world or that she's suffered so much it wasn't fair (what's fair in this world anyways), as it was that she'll never be able to continue touching people's lives if she'd still lived on. she was always the kind one, the loving one, the one who gave and never demanded anything in return; always ahead of us in terms of integrity, and alas, in death too.

but despite all, to me she's a living legacy. even in death she lives too. she lives in three other persons whose lives were spared because of her, and she lives in each and everyone of us who's had the honor to be part of her life. frozen in our timeless memories. she'll always be on our mind. how other people dealt with her passing away, i don't know. but i vow not to just mope around and be sad; i won't tell myself there's nothing i could do anyway, nor would i surrender to life's destiny and succumb to the helplessness in the midst of it all. because i believe there's something each of us could do, just by touching others' lives just as how she did ours...

ahh well. it felt good to cry. emotional purge. a good stress relief too, i needed it especially of late. and i miss home and all my relatives. on a side note, i felt like calling my uncle who's an astro-palmist, did he see it coming? her leaving at such a young age? because if he did, it would be quite a torture to know and not tell.

today's mood: gloomy
i wished i didn't have to go to the ER today. :(