the month of May went by in a whiff, i barely noticed it. grapes tasted a tad bit too sour, the sun a tinge too bright, yet my ice cold world remained frigid. my one and only fam here left for home, leaving me here alone. then a series of unfortunate events found its way to me - though they could also be thought of as blessings in disguise, depending on how you see it - as if they were omens sent to warn me of the bigger, worse tragedy. could it be??
not too long ago i woke up one morning and found myself in a pool of puddle that i detested, and i had no idea how i got here. like a movie playing in the cinema, only it had snippets of it cut off inelegantly, such that one could never truly understand it because all the important parts were rid of. stretches of memories were subconsciously eluded, because without them one did not have to endure the painful conscience from which the very actions brought forth. yet even when memories were deliberately forgotten, the situation remained the same: i still detest the same old puddle i landed myself on, and have no way of getting out of it.
and then there were two dreams. one, was of hatred. i could probably use other less potent word to describe it, but in that dream, it felt nothing less intense than that. and because i don't usually use the word, much less feel that way towards anyone, it came much like a surprise attack my own thoughts sprung on me. was it just a mood, just a phase that i was going through, that made me feel such hostility towards others because i needed a way to release all the negativity infesting in me? it has to be, right? how else can i explain that terrifying belligerence in my subconscious mind? i am shocked, and even mildly repulsed by my own thoughts as i type this. could it be that i was capable of such pugnacious thoughts? boy, was i really dissatisfied with my life! (on the other hand i must say, i'm also thankful for that dream: it served as an outlet for me and i feel much better now)
the other dream was more like a fraction of an enlightenment, albeit a less-than-pleasant one. in relation to my dissatisfaction of my current situation right now, i feel as if i'm living a separate life, the one other than my real life. these two lives are like two trains running on two parallel tracks, with me trying to hop across from one to the other. at the moment, it seems as if the two tracks are slowly inching away from each other, and i'm not doing any better in my attempts of switching trains. then it dawned on me: what if, what if i don't ever get across? what if i couldn't leap across to my real life and the parallel tracks do not meet at some point, but rather move away to the opposite ends of one another? then what? am i gonna live this other life that isn't really mine? or will it transform into what i can rightfully call mine, and feel that way too? this is, of course, just a rhetoric question. and i'll leave it at that.
the piece of dark chocolate melted away on my tongue, leaving behind a bittersweet taste in it. it didn't make me feel any better like i expected it to. but perchance it's because i expected too much, hence the disappointment?! what's it gonna be for me, i have absolutely the slightest idea. but isn't it precisely the unknown that makes life all the more interesting to live? :)
p.s. it's siqin's birthday today. wish her happy birthday, everyone! :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Pots of Gold - Part 2
[overdue post: continuation of Pots of Gold Part 1]
March 29, 2009
4. Kids, Dolphins, Burglary
She stirred in her sleep, woken up by noises that came from downstairs. 'twas vague, but unmistakable. It was a double-storey house, relatively huge for a family of five. It was way past midnight, she looked over and saw him snoring lightly next to her, completely oblivious to the persistent noise that seemed to get louder. she decided to check out what's going on, but just as she reached the bottom flight of stairs, she saw a guy's back facing her and the next thing she knew something hard hit her head and she was knocked out cold. when she regained consciousness, she found herself tied together with the kids and her husband, and the house was somehow floating on the sea. (dreams dont have to be confined to logic :P) anyhow, the burglars seemed to occupy themselves with whatever they were looking for, so it gave them opportunities to escape. apparently it wasn't hard at all. in no time they managed to untie themselves, jumped into the sea, swimming away from danger (although its quite illogical how the sea could be any less dangerous than a floating house with a couple of not-so-smart burglars) as fast as they could. what was pleasant about this dream was the last part: dolphins! out of nowhere they swam towards the family, as if they were godsends to help them get out of there! and so the sweet illogical dream ended with dolphins surrounding the family in the sea. :)
5. Be careful of what you don't wish for!
you know what they say about never say never, because you're more likely to get into a situation when you've got to swallow your own words when you find out you have to do the exact thing that you proclaimed you wouldn't ever do? give you an example: never say you'll never marry a smoker, cuz if and when you end up marrying one, and then you'd have to take back your words. sooooo. my dad has something against me marrying a certain race (or more). and the other day i dreamt of what could easily be his worst nightmare! hahahaha daddy, see, thats why, better not say things like "if you marry xxx race i will disown you" cuz what if i really do and then you'll have to disown me but you know you wont so you'll have to take back your words, which is really unnecessary to begin with! :D
6. Carnivorous Soft Toys and Haunted House
sigh ok i'm too lazy to write. but imagine the mansion in Addam's Family (picture above: source) and venus flytrap and petpitcher softoys. the dream went something like this: it was a family gathering, i finally got to see everyone in the family, from all my granduncles and grandaunts and my dad's cousins (i.e. my uncles and aunts, some of whom are around my age) to their kids and grandkids etc. and the family gathering happened to be in no other than Addam Family's house! 3 storeys high, not too huge, old, uninhabited for years it seemed, eerie. everything there was old and dusty, the only thing that looked relatively new (and out of place) was the aforementioned soft toys . the venus flytrap was bright red in color, the petpitcher a shocking orange, both a size just nice enough to hug comfortably. i didn't know at first, but only after using it to pacify my uncle's newborn baby boy, that i realized these two 'things' were ALIVE!!!! holy smcholy, they weren't just soft toys, they were monsters, they were the plant version of Chucky! they were possessed by some evil spirit or black magic or whatver you wanna call it...! all i knew was that the venus flytrap clamped down the newborn's hand out of a sudden and wouldn't let go no matter how hard we tried to pull it out! whats worse, it was trying to swallow the kid!!! omg. i tried to keep my cool, on one hand trying to hide from my lil' cousin's parents what was actually going on, on the other trying to pull rescue him from being eaten alive! :((( didn't seem to free the poor boy, and i just couldn't stand seeing him being eaten alive, so i forced myself to wake up. creepy dream! *sweat*
7. Primary School Reunion :)
It's our CKS 6T'96 reunion, in CKS of course. 'twas strange, the pleasant kind, but strange nonetheless. i found myself having long conversations with friends i wasn't particularly close with back then. and we were all dressed up in the same uniforms, only we were our age right now. :) it was a simple dream that left me feeling good after waking up. i like!
that's all for now. since then i had a couple more dreams but couldn't remember them. besides, they weren't good ones so it doesn't matter if i forgot them. till the next dream~
March 29, 2009
4. Kids, Dolphins, Burglary
She stirred in her sleep, woken up by noises that came from downstairs. 'twas vague, but unmistakable. It was a double-storey house, relatively huge for a family of five. It was way past midnight, she looked over and saw him snoring lightly next to her, completely oblivious to the persistent noise that seemed to get louder. she decided to check out what's going on, but just as she reached the bottom flight of stairs, she saw a guy's back facing her and the next thing she knew something hard hit her head and she was knocked out cold. when she regained consciousness, she found herself tied together with the kids and her husband, and the house was somehow floating on the sea. (dreams dont have to be confined to logic :P) anyhow, the burglars seemed to occupy themselves with whatever they were looking for, so it gave them opportunities to escape. apparently it wasn't hard at all. in no time they managed to untie themselves, jumped into the sea, swimming away from danger (although its quite illogical how the sea could be any less dangerous than a floating house with a couple of not-so-smart burglars) as fast as they could. what was pleasant about this dream was the last part: dolphins! out of nowhere they swam towards the family, as if they were godsends to help them get out of there! and so the sweet illogical dream ended with dolphins surrounding the family in the sea. :)
5. Be careful of what you don't wish for!
you know what they say about never say never, because you're more likely to get into a situation when you've got to swallow your own words when you find out you have to do the exact thing that you proclaimed you wouldn't ever do? give you an example: never say you'll never marry a smoker, cuz if and when you end up marrying one, and then you'd have to take back your words. sooooo. my dad has something against me marrying a certain race (or more). and the other day i dreamt of what could easily be his worst nightmare! hahahaha daddy, see, thats why, better not say things like "if you marry xxx race i will disown you" cuz what if i really do and then you'll have to disown me but you know you wont so you'll have to take back your words, which is really unnecessary to begin with! :D
6. Carnivorous Soft Toys and Haunted House
sigh ok i'm too lazy to write. but imagine the mansion in Addam's Family (picture above: source) and venus flytrap and petpitcher softoys. the dream went something like this: it was a family gathering, i finally got to see everyone in the family, from all my granduncles and grandaunts and my dad's cousins (i.e. my uncles and aunts, some of whom are around my age) to their kids and grandkids etc. and the family gathering happened to be in no other than Addam Family's house! 3 storeys high, not too huge, old, uninhabited for years it seemed, eerie. everything there was old and dusty, the only thing that looked relatively new (and out of place) was the aforementioned soft toys . the venus flytrap was bright red in color, the petpitcher a shocking orange, both a size just nice enough to hug comfortably. i didn't know at first, but only after using it to pacify my uncle's newborn baby boy, that i realized these two 'things' were ALIVE!!!! holy smcholy, they weren't just soft toys, they were monsters, they were the plant version of Chucky! they were possessed by some evil spirit or black magic or whatver you wanna call it...! all i knew was that the venus flytrap clamped down the newborn's hand out of a sudden and wouldn't let go no matter how hard we tried to pull it out! whats worse, it was trying to swallow the kid!!! omg. i tried to keep my cool, on one hand trying to hide from my lil' cousin's parents what was actually going on, on the other trying to pull rescue him from being eaten alive! :((( didn't seem to free the poor boy, and i just couldn't stand seeing him being eaten alive, so i forced myself to wake up. creepy dream! *sweat*7. Primary School Reunion :)
It's our CKS 6T'96 reunion, in CKS of course. 'twas strange, the pleasant kind, but strange nonetheless. i found myself having long conversations with friends i wasn't particularly close with back then. and we were all dressed up in the same uniforms, only we were our age right now. :) it was a simple dream that left me feeling good after waking up. i like!
that's all for now. since then i had a couple more dreams but couldn't remember them. besides, they weren't good ones so it doesn't matter if i forgot them. till the next dream~
Tittle-Tattle
why do some people talk so much. yak yak yak talk talk bicker chitter chatter gibber gabble blabber palaver omg its like a freakin' gabfest! sometimes i just wanna tune them out i don't wanna hear anymore insignificant clacking i need to get away run run run away to a cave and hide for a good 20 minutes. yes 20 minutes meditation should do the trick. i hope...sigh. cant a girl just have a little solitude? is it too much to ask. if i dont smile i'd seem pissed, which i'm not. and so when the act of smiling became a social mandatory, it would seem more like a chore, just like how you'd have to stop and make small talks with people that don't mean jack to either party. they always ask 'hi how are you' and you answer 'i'm great thanks how bout yourself' (not to forget plastering a huge smile on your face), even if sometimes you're just not doing great. but who cares. they're just asking because that's a form of greeting and courtesy; whilst you're just answering because it's the right thing to do and its a courteous reply. if you do tell them how your day was, for all you know, they might be rolling their eyes in their mind, thinking to themselves 'oh god why did i even bother asking now i'm stuck with this dude telling me all about his/her day doesnt he know he's wasting my time and time is money'. haha it'd be even funnier if they don't even remember your name. :D
ok maybe i'm being a little too extreme here. not all people ask just because. some do care, i know. i'm only referring to those who don't. yet somehow i've gotten used to it because i know most of them do it out of habit and it's just the way they roll. its a culture thing, and you'd find many asians get irked by this a lot because people back there don't do this. they just don't realize asians have their own cultural small talks too! like: instead of asking 'how are you' they'll ask 'have you eaten' which is subsequently followed by 'what did u have' and the small talk proceeds. often it'd involve prices, how cheap/expensive and where to get cheap stuff hahaha.
eh how did i get to this topic, i wasn't gonna write about this. seems that its rubbing off on me i've somehow learnt the art of gibbering too. -.-|| noooooo~!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Updates that aren't really updates hah!
sooooo. my lil brother asked why i haven't been blogging. my excuse was that i have no time to do so, which, we all know, is an invalid one. so i'm just gonna post some raw random rants i wrote the other day that i thought should be edited before i post it cuz it's a lil incoherent. but who cares right. the only people reading this are people who know me, so its fine cuz by now they should know that i'm just too random liddat. :P so dear all, have fun reading my random thoughts! meanwhile i shall finish writing my other post that's been saved as draft since forever.
i'm trying to capture all the thoughts that are firing away vehemently in my head as i read Albert Camus' L'Estranger. it worries me a little that i won't be able to remember all the feelings and emotions that it provoked in me, for i know they'll dissipate like smoke diffusing into thin air. i need to trap them in an overturned glass, or in a ziploc bag, somehow, someway. and so that's why i'm here.
there's so much to say, to tell. to think, even. i'm confused, by my own thoughts and by the multitude of emotions invoked in me. it doesn't do me enough justice if i use just a few words to conclude how i'm feeling. because what i'm feeling is a lot of things, but also nothing in particular. some has to do with the book, some don't. here's a few that i'm trying to remember.
for one, a pang of remorse would seize me whenever i think about the fact that nowadays the weight of spoken words are less than it should've been. i see people talking and talking and they could go on forever, as if if they'd stop for a second the world would crumble and so they have do their best to hold up the (or more like, 'their') world with their words, even if at the end of the day, their speech probably tells you nothing more than what you've known before the whole conversation began.
if i could, i would keep mum unless i have something to say. but one can't thrive in this world if this unorthodox behavior is to be practiced. to the rest of the world, it doesn't really matter what you say as long as you say something. all you have to do is churn out strings and strings of words that aren't necessarily substantial and you're good to go. the better you are at it - at making small empty talks - the better it is for you. not necessarily for your inner self, but as far as blending in with the crowd, making friends, not being seen as an oddball, or even career advancement, as far as these go, the statement couldn't be any truer. spoken words have become less worthy than it should've been. it just makes me wonder, if everyone is (or most people are) behaving the same way, adopting the same lifestyle, then could it be that my way is the wrong one? afterall, 'right' and 'wrong' are relative terms, and there's no absolute in these. if being wrong is the majority, then who's to say 'wrong' is not right and the 'right' not wrong? (which by the way, is one of the themes in George Orwell's 1984. just started reading it yesterday, will write more when i'm done with the book.)
which led me to the next point. we're all constantly being judged, whether we like it or not. there's no escaping it. no one really cares why you did what you did. rarely do you come across people who think from your perspectives (and i don't include psychologists or anyone who does this as a reflex due to occupational habits). if yours is the populist's idea/majority, then you're right. if not then you must be wrong. the crowd mentality.
--------------------------------------------
15th of May, 2009. 11:20am.i'm trying to capture all the thoughts that are firing away vehemently in my head as i read Albert Camus' L'Estranger. it worries me a little that i won't be able to remember all the feelings and emotions that it provoked in me, for i know they'll dissipate like smoke diffusing into thin air. i need to trap them in an overturned glass, or in a ziploc bag, somehow, someway. and so that's why i'm here.
there's so much to say, to tell. to think, even. i'm confused, by my own thoughts and by the multitude of emotions invoked in me. it doesn't do me enough justice if i use just a few words to conclude how i'm feeling. because what i'm feeling is a lot of things, but also nothing in particular. some has to do with the book, some don't. here's a few that i'm trying to remember.
for one, a pang of remorse would seize me whenever i think about the fact that nowadays the weight of spoken words are less than it should've been. i see people talking and talking and they could go on forever, as if if they'd stop for a second the world would crumble and so they have do their best to hold up the (or more like, 'their') world with their words, even if at the end of the day, their speech probably tells you nothing more than what you've known before the whole conversation began.
if i could, i would keep mum unless i have something to say. but one can't thrive in this world if this unorthodox behavior is to be practiced. to the rest of the world, it doesn't really matter what you say as long as you say something. all you have to do is churn out strings and strings of words that aren't necessarily substantial and you're good to go. the better you are at it - at making small empty talks - the better it is for you. not necessarily for your inner self, but as far as blending in with the crowd, making friends, not being seen as an oddball, or even career advancement, as far as these go, the statement couldn't be any truer. spoken words have become less worthy than it should've been. it just makes me wonder, if everyone is (or most people are) behaving the same way, adopting the same lifestyle, then could it be that my way is the wrong one? afterall, 'right' and 'wrong' are relative terms, and there's no absolute in these. if being wrong is the majority, then who's to say 'wrong' is not right and the 'right' not wrong? (which by the way, is one of the themes in George Orwell's 1984. just started reading it yesterday, will write more when i'm done with the book.)
which led me to the next point. we're all constantly being judged, whether we like it or not. there's no escaping it. no one really cares why you did what you did. rarely do you come across people who think from your perspectives (and i don't include psychologists or anyone who does this as a reflex due to occupational habits). if yours is the populist's idea/majority, then you're right. if not then you must be wrong. the crowd mentality.
--------------------------------------------
okay so that's the end of the random post, for now. i accidentally deleted 2 paragraphs of previously written randomness, so i guess they'll have to come to me some other time. righto, randomness to be continued...
Friday, May 01, 2009
Last Words
Elbert Hubbard once said, "Life is just one damned thing after another." Then he continued, "So - do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." :D
That said, in about 24 hours' time I'm going to my battleground with all that I have, and I shall fight to the last bit of it with all my might. Whatever will be, will be. I'm leaving the rest to God. Wish me luck! :)
That said, in about 24 hours' time I'm going to my battleground with all that I have, and I shall fight to the last bit of it with all my might. Whatever will be, will be. I'm leaving the rest to God. Wish me luck! :)
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