Pots of Gold

1. The "Illusions·Fatal" Pot
   if i could draw out the images (or rather, the series of images) in my head, i would. but i can't, so i won't. :P a drawing expert i am not, but here's the outline of the story. in the midst of a rainforest, i was armed with a sniper rifle going around killing everyone i saw. only the rifle didn't operate like a normal one, but was somehow connected to my brain activity (or rather, my vision). in other words, as soon as i looked into someone's eyes and eye contact was made, his head would fall off. it was a clean cut, like lasers chopping off head. and it did a darn good job at that too. couldn't remember any bloody mess (or any emotional attachments/guilt conscience as if it's such a normal activity that there's no right or wrong to it), but at the very end of it, when it was time to move on to the next level and you know you've accomplished the "mission" (whatever the mission might be -_-) -- before i moved on to the next level, i reached the other end of the river with my rifle hanging loosely over my shoulder, i turned back for a final take of the whole scene: it was sunset, the orange hue reflected itself on the sea. a sea of thick red and bobbing heads. the very ones i've decapitated. was i guilt-stricken? i wasn't sure nor could i remember. it was a very strange feeling, one that didn't sit well with me. what i was certain though, was that every action bears consequences.
   
2. "TNFDA Syndrome"
   i was dressed in a blue one-piece suit, sort of like the ones plumbers wear, not because i loved cross-dressing but for undercover purposes. the plan was to disguise as a IT software expert (where the hell i got the idea that software experts wear plumber suits i have no idea :/) and get into a tight security mansion to steal some top secret information. it was team work, my dad being the mastermind and i the accomplice. well. it was supposed to be team work, meaning we do things together and run away together if things got ugly. right?? isn't that how it should be, making sure you and your partner-in-crime gets away safely with you? it wasn't the case here. in the dream, somehow the armed security guards sensed that we were up to no good and gave chase. dad realised it earlier than i did and broke into a run -- without me!!!! took me a few long seconds (even in my dream i was the same old blur me :/) to figure out something had gone wrong and i'd better get my ass outta there. so i ran, wanting to catch up. but my dad's nowhere to be seen. at that time i felt as if that's the end of my life, i'm gonna get caught and be beaten to death. *noooooooooo* beads of sweat rolled down my face, i wanna cry for help but couldnt. right now it might sound hilarious, almost comical even. but trust me, in that dream it was all hell break lose and i felt the adrenaline rush, the kind you feel when you're running for your life. imagine scenes from the "Bourne" Trios movies. like a cat-and-mouse chase it was - a beeline of guards after me and me after... after no one, probably just my dad's imaginary shadows. -_-|| what kinda dream is that. i call it "the need for dad's approval" syndrome. in a strange way, i think it reflected my crave for dad's approval - me agreeing to be his accomplice and chasing after him: translates into me always trying to meet his expectations, or at least the ones i thought he might have of me. (p.s. there's childhood trauma/stories regarding this. maybe someday i'll write bout it)
   
3. Escapism? Again?
   Somehow i dream of cat-n-mouse chase/ running-for-my-life dreams a lot. whyyyy. do i want to get away from something in reality? sighhh. this dream is funny. and magical too. :) it was a group of primary school friends, escaping from a group of bad guys. at an abandoned construction site/parking structure, with steel bars and wooden planks everywhere. we ran up the stairs until the 13th floor, panting real hard. yet the men were still chasing and the footsteps were louder as every millisecond passed by. f**kkkk. so one of us decided that we should run to the other end to the escalators and head down. afterall, there's no where to go if we reached the top floor and we sure as hell didn't wanna make the suicidal jump. so, there were 3 narrow escalators (how the dozen of us were gonna fit in there i have no clue). we all knew that if the bad guys were in the one we picked, that'd be the end of us. nonetheless someone had to make a decision and make it fast. so i chose the 2nd one. here's the magical part: it opened up into a refrigerator. goodness! bad enough that we had to cram 12 adults into an escalator, but now we had to do that into a fridge??? whaaat!! no matter, time was of essence, so i moved the vegetables and fruits aside and stack all the racks at the bottom and make them go in. i was the last to go in (somehow we did manage to fit in it, crammed as it was) and closed the fridge door. as soon as the door's closed, it turned into a big warehouse!!! wow. :)))) told you it was magical, didn't i? we were sitting in a big trashcan/bin, the kind you see at the backalleys and in movies people often throw dead bodies in it (which i thought was the dumbest thing ever... do they really think no one would find them dead bodies and they wouldnt get caught? stooopid. -.-) . but anyhow. the big trashcan were situated in a corner of the warehouse, and slowly it began to drop. in increasing acceleration.. which became free fall. omg! when is this dream gonna end?! and then i woke up. phew! didn't have to know what happened to us. but do u realize it was a combination of harry potter plot (the secret door into a secret space) meets alice in wonderland (the free fall part) meets some HK dramas plot where the gangsters (hak seh wooi people) always chase their victims at abandoned construction sites and fight there. hahah! what an adventure! :)))
   

ok i shall continue my dreams in another post. some other time. i have 3 more dreams that i can recall quite clearly, another one not so much. i'm telling you, if these dreams can turn into pots of gold, i'd be rich by now. really.

Faineance is Disaster

it's so much easier to tell yourself you can't do it and let yourself fall back on your comfort zone, allowing yourself to not do everything you can and leap beyond your own expectations and limits.

it's so much easier to prove yourself right that you're only an average joe, that you're only good for mediocrity, than to persevere and prove yourself (and the world) wrong that you're worth much more than that.

it's easy to blame the job market, blame the economy, blame fengshui blame weather blame media blame politics blame fluctuating emotions blame everything under the sun but yourself for your failure, but it doesn't change anything.

enough is enough. there comes a point where you've got to quit looking for excuses and start taking charge of your life. and that point is now.

you hear me?
.......
...........
.......
sigh.

Unexpected

1. left the house intending to go jog yesterday but ended up: 1) going in circles trying to find public parking; 2) strolling on 3rd St Promenade, window-shopping and drooling over certain items that i probably shouldn't splurge on - and didn't; 3) getting myself a large hazelnut latte from Coffee Bean; 4) spilled some coffee on my sweater and hair whilst walking; 5) discovered Santa Monica's weekly farmer's market - which closely resembles the pasar pagi back home; 6) forgot where i parked and walked in circles (again) trying to figure out how to get to the parking structure. -_-" good thing the roads are of grid system here, or it would've taken longer. but yeah, all in all very pleasant experience. and i'm glad i stumbled upon the farmer's market. it's soooo much like the wet market back home, what with the tents and all. :) except it doesn't stink of fish and chicken poo; they sell mostly vegetables and fruits. for a few minutes there, i felt like i'm walking through the market in Bangsar. :) i kid you not, i was almost half skipping down the street, humming one of lily allen's tunes in my head, completely oblivious to the surroundings (and forgot i have an exam to sit for!!), and you probably could've seen a smile plastered on my face the entire time i was there. only when i absentmindedly tried to look for ah being's asam laksa that reality hit me hard on my head. -_- bahhh. but, uhm. didn't go jog after all. maybe some other time heh.
2. back at home, i parked my car on the street for convenience's sake and walked a short distance home. enjoying the melodic tunes of birds' tweets and was about to heave a contented sigh while admiring the beauty of nature, but was abruptly interrupted by moans of a lady doing her *ahem* "morning exercise" shall we say?. hah and it ended with a last note of satisfaction. good for her, i hope she spreads her happiness to others throughout the rest of the day. :) (you know what they say about cranky people: they didn't get any the previous night, hence the crankiness. :P)
3. a 29 yr old man in Alabama killed 15 people before taking his own life, and of those perished included his own mother and grandmother!! grandmother?!?! now what has the old lady done wrong to deserve this? sick!! what was he thinking??
4. And in a town called Winnenden, Germany, a teenage boy 17 yrs of age, shot down 15 people before taking his own life too. those people probably didn't know that's the last time they're gonna see daylight and just like that, instantaneously, they had dropped dead (quite literally) in a split second. in the midst of trying to comprehend the boy's mind, speculating his motives as well as feeling sorry for the families of the deceased, i can't help but feeling apprehensive about the uncertainties of life. it could've been me, this could've happened anytime anywhere. right here in front of my doorstep, even. don't we all feel the same way, at one point of life or another?
   

have a great rest-of-the-week, people. (or try to, if the news disturbed you a great deal)

Hypersomnia

the bed isn't even that comfortable, yet something about it that's luring her towards it. perchance it's the comforter that looked so fluffy and soft, with its light blue background and white-outlined mini oriental umbrellas from top view, and when you look at them long enough they'll start spinning in different directions and might subsequently invoke memories relating to lollipops or carousels (subject to individual's imaginations and memories). one would inevitably be drawn into the oh-so-inviting trance, which, having the black hole effect, will suck one into "the dark side". what happens after that, no one knows. :)

the next morning when she opens her right eye to peek at the bedside clock, "holy schmoly!!!" is what flashes in her mind. it's already friggin' 11am. damn the comforter, she curses silently, telling herself she's not going to sleep that night to make up for the lost time. but we all know, history is gonna repeat itself... T.T what's worse is that, she wakes up every morning with backaches, because the futon mattress is too thin she can feel the steel bars underneath and she hasn't had time to get another mattress pad yet.

footnote: why all these 3rd person talk, you ask? well. i guess right now i don't like her very much at this very moment, and am striving to detach myself from her. if i were someone else right now, i'd slap her so hard so that she'd come out of her hypersomnia and start feeling the stress. sigh.

Notes on Little Scraps of Recycled Paper

she sits around staring into space hoping that out of nowhere the particles and atoms would collide into each other and turn into the man of her dreams galloping in his white horse and come rescue her out of her misery. they would go to this faraway land where shreks exist and gorrillas give tight hugs (not too tight till suffocating) - because she doesn't like fake hugs - and all berries found can be eaten. and the weather would change according to her mood: snow when melancholy, sunny when exhilarated, breezy when she feels like playing frisbee, rain when she feels hopeful (because after rain you always see rainbow and rainbow resembles hope, to her at least).

and... and... and...

misery? what misery? petty little ones that probably everybody else complains about.

and...

and then she realizes she has work tomorrow and her exam is creeping up on her like millions of spiders crawling up her back, irritating horrifying and paralyzing but impossible to ward off. ugh how she longs for the bed and continue dreaming her silly unrealistic dreams because this is what she does for fun. her mind keeps wandering off, when right in front of her there's a 3-inch thick textbook waiting for her patiently. or, maybe not-so-patiently.

she's such a strange creature, even she herself has a tough time fathoming the whirling pool of thoughts. but whatev's. right now she's gotta slap herself silly and wake herself up.

getting back to chapter 37. aldehydes and ketones and their preparation and reactions. blame mr. chong (or choong) who traumatized her in organic chemistry. bahh.

counting down: 53 more days to go.

Drumrolls

woke up to the drumrolls of the pouring rain outside, an police/ambulance siren that's as loud as my alarm clock (which wasn't such a bad thing because i really need to wake up early), a chilling cold that wrapped around me tighter than my blanket did, and an alarmingly full bladder. so the lazy ass dragged itself out of the bed and went to the loo.

a peek out of the window - i dont quite like what i see. its flippin' March! why is it still raining? spring should be around the corner and the weather should be good!! goodness! i was going to go jog at the beach, then scout for some quaint looking coffeehouse nearby and have breakfast, then go get groceries. now, with the rain i just wanna curl up in bed. bah.

i guess i should just go make some coffee, and then start studying now. no more excuse. good morning everyone!

Hiatus

its one of those times again, that you have so much to write about yet not enough time to do so. a lot has happened lately. nothing dramatic like me getting hitched or pregnant or lost an arm, but i'm moving! bye bye santa ana, hello los angeles. part of me felt sad to be leaving this place, its so cozy and nice and the whole 8 months' stay has been nothing but pleasant memories. but another part of me felt excited to be exploring a whole new area. :))) it's gonna take some time to get familiar with the surroundings but i have no qualms that i'll do fine.

and i've had so many dreams lately i really have to sit and just write about them before i forgot them all. stay tuned for really interesting and random stories! :)