Cherry blossoms are pretty flowers dont you think.
Sleep is extremely important for every single homo sapiens. Not enough of it spoils the whole day... or maybe even week.
Some ppl are very judgmental, and they dont realize it. Me on the other hand, has a lower threshold of patience these days and am getting increasingly irritated by this species.
Despite all the talk about 'not gonna care what others think or say as long as you know you're doing the right thing', I just cant help it sometimes.
Im not being overconfident in my studies as accused, just being slightly too comfortable with my just-average results. But I'm well aware of it, and I'm working on getting back on track. Working on it okay dad.
If someone can donate some money for me, it'll be nice.
Try flexing your cerebellum. If you can.
Find something to be obsessed with. It's quite fun.
I donno what I'm typing anymore. Blur. Gone case.
Not enough sleep that's why. All those stuff written above might not have anythg to do with anythg. Just jumbled thoughts bout trivial things tht happened to pop into my cerebrum.
I need coffee. Or anythg that can keep me awake. Am terribly deprived of sleep.
Maybe I should just go and sleep. Best cure.
heh.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Guilt-strickened
Kids are a burden to parents, arent they? When they're babies, they need to be taken care of, day and night. Changing nappies, cleaning up after they pooped, waking up in the middle of the night when they cry, when they're hungry. Then the kindergarten years, and then the teen years. Teenagers need even more attention. Rebelious period. Soon it's time to worry bout their sexual curiosity, educating them what's right and what's not, praying hard they wont 'accidentally' become a parent themselves, subconsciously wishing they arent so attractive so that they wouldnt indulge in sexual activities too early.
After that, it's the adolescent years and then becoming adults. Quarter life crisis, self discovery, self identity. Truth is, everyone of all ages face lots of problems and would get in quite a number of troubles. And being a parent means having this constant worry bout their kid twenty-four-seven. Above all the trivial things to worry about, they worry most if their kid's life is gonna be threatened. Would they be the next rape victim? Kidnapped? Killed in accidents? Just disappeared? Anythg could happen in this horrifying world, especially with terrorism escalating in all parts of the world.
This concern of their kid starts right from the moment the child is born, and will last till he/she dies ('he/she' refers to either the parents or the kid). And it could be terribly burdensome.
So then here's my question. Why? Why have kids at all?? I dont understand.
Post-note:
I'm sorry to have caused trouble and heart-ache to my parents, sometimes I just couldnt help thinking why I'd even existed in the first place. It'd have saved them lots of trouble, heartache (and money tooo!!). And I wonder too, if I ever wanna have my own kids....
After that, it's the adolescent years and then becoming adults. Quarter life crisis, self discovery, self identity. Truth is, everyone of all ages face lots of problems and would get in quite a number of troubles. And being a parent means having this constant worry bout their kid twenty-four-seven. Above all the trivial things to worry about, they worry most if their kid's life is gonna be threatened. Would they be the next rape victim? Kidnapped? Killed in accidents? Just disappeared? Anythg could happen in this horrifying world, especially with terrorism escalating in all parts of the world.
This concern of their kid starts right from the moment the child is born, and will last till he/she dies ('he/she' refers to either the parents or the kid). And it could be terribly burdensome.
So then here's my question. Why? Why have kids at all?? I dont understand.
Post-note:
I'm sorry to have caused trouble and heart-ache to my parents, sometimes I just couldnt help thinking why I'd even existed in the first place. It'd have saved them lots of trouble, heartache (and money tooo!!). And I wonder too, if I ever wanna have my own kids....
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Leehom in Town Again
Ohhh... Leehom's in Sunway Surf Beach again, for his latest album's Promotional Showcase. I didn't get to go, because as usual, he has to come during my busiest schedule. Besides I know it's gonna be terribly packed, so I dont feel like going anyway. Li Ling is going though. She got a VIP pass. =) So I asked her to take lots of pictures! haha..
The weather is bleak though. Been raining since 5pm... the showcase's at 8, hopefully by then the sky's cleared.
Managed to get my rest, and didn't really do much. But my battery certainly is recharged. hurray! Back to school again tomorrow. Yikes~ Piles of lab reports to complete and an organic chemistry mid-term to prepare. Doesnt seem like a light week at all.
The weather is bleak though. Been raining since 5pm... the showcase's at 8, hopefully by then the sky's cleared.
Managed to get my rest, and didn't really do much. But my battery certainly is recharged. hurray! Back to school again tomorrow. Yikes~ Piles of lab reports to complete and an organic chemistry mid-term to prepare. Doesnt seem like a light week at all.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Feeling Whiny
Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has their fair share of terrible errs. Foolish ones, ones that on a normal day wouldn't have happened. Stupidity.
A bêtise done, not because we were unaware of its imbecility, but because we are just humans. Humans who have faults and we just aren't perfect. But ironically, we all have hopes that we could undo the errors, or that we secretly wish we have some super powers to heal things. Truth is, we don't.
So the problems persisted. Some can be erased, corrected or forgotten; some are permanently damaged. And so, while there is no room for amendments, all we can do is not to repeat the same idiotic fault twice.
Yes, yes. We all know that. Only, it's easier said than done.
Though it doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
Yes, yes. we all know that too.
Sometimes. We just needed to whine. That's what I'm doing.
And that's why I'm doing it here. If I did this at home I'm gonna get another hours-long lecture. Which would, most probably make me feel worse than before.
A bêtise done, not because we were unaware of its imbecility, but because we are just humans. Humans who have faults and we just aren't perfect. But ironically, we all have hopes that we could undo the errors, or that we secretly wish we have some super powers to heal things. Truth is, we don't.
So the problems persisted. Some can be erased, corrected or forgotten; some are permanently damaged. And so, while there is no room for amendments, all we can do is not to repeat the same idiotic fault twice.
Yes, yes. We all know that. Only, it's easier said than done.
Though it doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
Yes, yes. we all know that too.
Sometimes. We just needed to whine. That's what I'm doing.
And that's why I'm doing it here. If I did this at home I'm gonna get another hours-long lecture. Which would, most probably make me feel worse than before.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Meenee Miny Meenee More
I've been well taken care of. since young. since forever.
I was taught what I should know, what's known to be 'the way' things work, and I absorbed them all without much questioning. Or rebellious thoughts.
I was surrounded by the same kinda peers who were brought up pretty much the same way, hence I didn't feel I was any different. Or that, there were so many other possibilities outside my small world that could've been part of my life.
I, in a few words, lived in a very safe and protected world.
All that, until now.
Well. it's not like I'm unsafe or unprotected; it's not that I only saw the other possibilities now. And I've definitely passed the rebel phase. It's more of the choices I get to make, of shaping my personality, my character. What principles I want to hold, what mottos I want to stick to, and what feels most at ease. Crows perched on my shoulders whispering little noises in my ears, and before long my shoulders began to ache... and the noises became dins.
But how do you know who's your true self? Especially when you feel okay in both situations? Too much debate in the head can be a nuisance. Too fickle-minded is cataclysmic.
"Just make up your mind. There's no right or wrong in these questions."
Indeed. All we have to do is just pick. And just be it. or just do it, whichever case it's in.
Lots of kids grow up in a 'greenhouse' environment. And it comes with the greenhouse effect - which led them to have an illusion that there is a near-perfect world out there, and that things will always end up their way, somehow. The lucky ones might be lucky enough to never discover the ugly side of reality; the less-fortunate ones might break down in horror when they do.
Freedom to kids, no matter how young they are, is neccessary. Freedom to choose, even if it's just the clothes they want to wear, or food they want to eat. To a certain extent, these are the little practice to help them make up their mind in the future.
So, today's dinner - what's it gonna be? Italian, Japanese, Mexican, or Chinese?
I was taught what I should know, what's known to be 'the way' things work, and I absorbed them all without much questioning. Or rebellious thoughts.
I was surrounded by the same kinda peers who were brought up pretty much the same way, hence I didn't feel I was any different. Or that, there were so many other possibilities outside my small world that could've been part of my life.
I, in a few words, lived in a very safe and protected world.
All that, until now.
Well. it's not like I'm unsafe or unprotected; it's not that I only saw the other possibilities now. And I've definitely passed the rebel phase. It's more of the choices I get to make, of shaping my personality, my character. What principles I want to hold, what mottos I want to stick to, and what feels most at ease. Crows perched on my shoulders whispering little noises in my ears, and before long my shoulders began to ache... and the noises became dins.
But how do you know who's your true self? Especially when you feel okay in both situations? Too much debate in the head can be a nuisance. Too fickle-minded is cataclysmic.
"Just make up your mind. There's no right or wrong in these questions."
Indeed. All we have to do is just pick. And just be it. or just do it, whichever case it's in.
Lots of kids grow up in a 'greenhouse' environment. And it comes with the greenhouse effect - which led them to have an illusion that there is a near-perfect world out there, and that things will always end up their way, somehow. The lucky ones might be lucky enough to never discover the ugly side of reality; the less-fortunate ones might break down in horror when they do.
Freedom to kids, no matter how young they are, is neccessary. Freedom to choose, even if it's just the clothes they want to wear, or food they want to eat. To a certain extent, these are the little practice to help them make up their mind in the future.
So, today's dinner - what's it gonna be? Italian, Japanese, Mexican, or Chinese?
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Drown My Sorrows
Deep down inside our hearts, there's this little pool that collects all our sad moments, feelings, emotions and everything lamentable. Basically just unhappy stuff. Whenever we face any moments like this, we tend to shove them away, into this little corner of ours, dismissing them, or avoiding them. Either way, we didn't really forget those emotions. Those episodes. They're there, always. In that pool.
I call it The Reservoir of Grief.
I checked on mine today. Though its not like it has hit the danger level, it's high enough for me to soak in it... indulge myself in it. Sometimes ppl do illogical things like that... eg. self-destructive things that they knew aren't good for them yet do it anyway. I know it probably isn't a good idea to drench myself in there... but I couldn't help it. And I admit I sorta get strange pleasure from it as well. (but i dont think it's strange at all, some of you might relate to it). Pleasures of getting depressed and sad... is just plain sick. I guess I'm sick in some ways then. Dont ask me why, because I have no answers for you. It's the self-destructive button everyone has - mine must've been activated.
So usually I'd just allow myself to indulge in it... but not today. I decided I shouldn't do it today. I just wanna pull the plug, and drown them away. Well it'll come back again.. someday. But for now I didnt wanna spend my time brooding away. A friend made me realise I should do my best in everything I'm doing. Not that I didnt know this before. But it hit me that I really wasnt doing my best at all. And I'm very much ashamed of it.
"Life is a dance". My feet arent synchronized lately. But I figured I just need to find the right dance for myself... choose my own tempo, learn the steps, practise, and just glide away. And if I'm learning a dance I love very much, or grow to love it so much, it really wouldnt be so hard, would it?
So! Reservoir of Grief - It's temporarily out of order. I drown all my sorrows at this very moment, deactivate my self destruction button, and cherish the happy moments, go on with the fast-tempo life, cherish my youth. While it lasts, before my reservoir gets filled again and my button activates itself again...
How's your reservoir doing today, my friends?
I call it The Reservoir of Grief.
I checked on mine today. Though its not like it has hit the danger level, it's high enough for me to soak in it... indulge myself in it. Sometimes ppl do illogical things like that... eg. self-destructive things that they knew aren't good for them yet do it anyway. I know it probably isn't a good idea to drench myself in there... but I couldn't help it. And I admit I sorta get strange pleasure from it as well. (but i dont think it's strange at all, some of you might relate to it). Pleasures of getting depressed and sad... is just plain sick. I guess I'm sick in some ways then. Dont ask me why, because I have no answers for you. It's the self-destructive button everyone has - mine must've been activated.
So usually I'd just allow myself to indulge in it... but not today. I decided I shouldn't do it today. I just wanna pull the plug, and drown them away. Well it'll come back again.. someday. But for now I didnt wanna spend my time brooding away. A friend made me realise I should do my best in everything I'm doing. Not that I didnt know this before. But it hit me that I really wasnt doing my best at all. And I'm very much ashamed of it.
"Life is a dance". My feet arent synchronized lately. But I figured I just need to find the right dance for myself... choose my own tempo, learn the steps, practise, and just glide away. And if I'm learning a dance I love very much, or grow to love it so much, it really wouldnt be so hard, would it?
So! Reservoir of Grief - It's temporarily out of order. I drown all my sorrows at this very moment, deactivate my self destruction button, and cherish the happy moments, go on with the fast-tempo life, cherish my youth. While it lasts, before my reservoir gets filled again and my button activates itself again...
How's your reservoir doing today, my friends?
Saturday, March 04, 2006
CAN'T. UNREALISTIC.
CAN'T.
Four Letters. No more, no less.
Three of them grant you permission to conquer the world.
One deprives you of the glory.
"It can't be done", "Don't bother" - they say - "Many others have tried before and failed".
So you listen to those voices and surrender your hopes,
returning to the comfort of the explored and the console of the ordinary.
Or perhaps not.
Maybe you hear those voices but don't listen to them.
And when the words "impossible", "unattainable" or "can't" are pronounced,
what echoes instead in your soul, are - "dream", "passion" and "will".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
UNREALISTIC.
A word created to inspire fear and doubt.
An adjective born to undermine the will.
A spear to pierce the heart of dreams.
A pretext to accept defeat.
An alibi for the irresolute and an excuse for mediocrity.
Above all, the voice of those who don't dare against those who truly believe.
*p/s: Got it from "Destinasian" magazine, Feb 2006 issue. It's an ad. I think it's beautifully written. Just wanna share with you all, that's all.*
Four Letters. No more, no less.
Three of them grant you permission to conquer the world.
One deprives you of the glory.
"It can't be done", "Don't bother" - they say - "Many others have tried before and failed".
So you listen to those voices and surrender your hopes,
returning to the comfort of the explored and the console of the ordinary.
Or perhaps not.
Maybe you hear those voices but don't listen to them.
And when the words "impossible", "unattainable" or "can't" are pronounced,
what echoes instead in your soul, are - "dream", "passion" and "will".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
UNREALISTIC.
A word created to inspire fear and doubt.
An adjective born to undermine the will.
A spear to pierce the heart of dreams.
A pretext to accept defeat.
An alibi for the irresolute and an excuse for mediocrity.
Above all, the voice of those who don't dare against those who truly believe.
*p/s: Got it from "Destinasian" magazine, Feb 2006 issue. It's an ad. I think it's beautifully written. Just wanna share with you all, that's all.*
Friday, March 03, 2006
3 March 2006
A day to remember.
It's a Friday. First of all, I gotta say... I've always had a thing for Fridays.. so it's a beautiful day to begin with. And secondly, thanks to JY who took the trouble to fetch me home all the way from BJ to Kepong on thursday night, and also his confidence & motivation in my driving skills (though he's never seen me drive -.-"), I finally took a HUGE step and drove to One U alone! ALONE, man!!! Okay, it may seem like its no big deal for most of you..., but those who know me would know that I rarely drive and I'm very much intimidated by the four-wheels thing. And for the few times I've actually driven, my dad would scream and yell at me for driving terribly... saying that he always almost got a heart attack sitting next to me when I drive. There goes my confidence.
So! For me to drive out all alone, is seriously a very BIG news! A very memorable day to me too! It's like... I felt that I'm finally an adult. Totally independent. It's an ecstatic feeling that no drugs could compare to. But it came with a price though. I worried all night and all morning before I drove out... and my knees were seriously buckling even though I'm driving an auto. (ok at this point u ppl'll probably think I'm useless) Felt like I was playing with my life. Not kidding. (Hey...! Not everyone's got a flair on driving okayyy.)
So that's my 1st big thing. 2ndly, I went rock climbing today!!!! Oh my gosh, you guys should really try it someday! When I stood down there and look at others climb, I thought "this shouldnt be that hard". But when I did it myself, it's totally another story! It's so strenuous and tiring you need all 4 limbs to be strong and flexible. So I struggled to climb to the top regardless of a few failed attempts. Finally I got to the top. (Once only... no stamina to do it twice.) But guess what? I dare not come down. You're supposed to just let go of your limbs and let the auto-belayer bring you down. That's the freakiest part. I dare not let go of my hands. It felt like free-fall. With just one hand clinging to the wall, you feel like if you let go of the other, you'd just fall off and die. Seriously.
And so... I screamed for help. My legs and arms were shivering already at tht time... too tired to hold on to the wall yet didnt dare to move an inch... cuz I refused to die so young!!! I heard voices said, "let go, just let go! you'll be okay.." But after a while, whatever I heard was tuned out automatically.. due to the panic attack. So I thought that's the end of me.... But apparently not eh. cuz i'm still here typing this... How did I manage to come down, you wonder? Well the only reason I'm back on ground is because my limbs could hold no longer, so I had to take the risk and 'die'. HAHa... the next thg I know I'm well and I'm on the ground. Ahhhhh.... so nice to touch the solid floor.
Thg is, I didnt just come down without realising it. I was fully aware of myself coming down. And THAT!! my friends, is the best best part of rock-climbing. Another 'high' that I've felt today!! It's the most satisfying part of the whole exercise... and just being able to on the air with a string hanging onto you... it's like you're flying... phew!! and all the hard work tht you've put into climbing up is all worth it!
So I say, go try it out. Though it's quite an expensive sport, it's still worth an experience. Afterall, we will only be young once eh!
It's a Friday. First of all, I gotta say... I've always had a thing for Fridays.. so it's a beautiful day to begin with. And secondly, thanks to JY who took the trouble to fetch me home all the way from BJ to Kepong on thursday night, and also his confidence & motivation in my driving skills (though he's never seen me drive -.-"), I finally took a HUGE step and drove to One U alone! ALONE, man!!! Okay, it may seem like its no big deal for most of you..., but those who know me would know that I rarely drive and I'm very much intimidated by the four-wheels thing. And for the few times I've actually driven, my dad would scream and yell at me for driving terribly... saying that he always almost got a heart attack sitting next to me when I drive. There goes my confidence.
So! For me to drive out all alone, is seriously a very BIG news! A very memorable day to me too! It's like... I felt that I'm finally an adult. Totally independent. It's an ecstatic feeling that no drugs could compare to. But it came with a price though. I worried all night and all morning before I drove out... and my knees were seriously buckling even though I'm driving an auto. (ok at this point u ppl'll probably think I'm useless) Felt like I was playing with my life. Not kidding. (Hey...! Not everyone's got a flair on driving okayyy.)
So that's my 1st big thing. 2ndly, I went rock climbing today!!!! Oh my gosh, you guys should really try it someday! When I stood down there and look at others climb, I thought "this shouldnt be that hard". But when I did it myself, it's totally another story! It's so strenuous and tiring you need all 4 limbs to be strong and flexible. So I struggled to climb to the top regardless of a few failed attempts. Finally I got to the top. (Once only... no stamina to do it twice.) But guess what? I dare not come down. You're supposed to just let go of your limbs and let the auto-belayer bring you down. That's the freakiest part. I dare not let go of my hands. It felt like free-fall. With just one hand clinging to the wall, you feel like if you let go of the other, you'd just fall off and die. Seriously.
And so... I screamed for help. My legs and arms were shivering already at tht time... too tired to hold on to the wall yet didnt dare to move an inch... cuz I refused to die so young!!! I heard voices said, "let go, just let go! you'll be okay.." But after a while, whatever I heard was tuned out automatically.. due to the panic attack. So I thought that's the end of me.... But apparently not eh. cuz i'm still here typing this... How did I manage to come down, you wonder? Well the only reason I'm back on ground is because my limbs could hold no longer, so I had to take the risk and 'die'. HAHa... the next thg I know I'm well and I'm on the ground. Ahhhhh.... so nice to touch the solid floor.
Thg is, I didnt just come down without realising it. I was fully aware of myself coming down. And THAT!! my friends, is the best best part of rock-climbing. Another 'high' that I've felt today!! It's the most satisfying part of the whole exercise... and just being able to on the air with a string hanging onto you... it's like you're flying... phew!! and all the hard work tht you've put into climbing up is all worth it!
So I say, go try it out. Though it's quite an expensive sport, it's still worth an experience. Afterall, we will only be young once eh!
Behave yourself !?!
DaGu's comment led me to think: which one of us are the REAL us? Allow me to explain. She said, "Think of me saying thank you to the stats lecturer not because I'm a hypocrite but because I just wanna be a well-mannered person."
Question is, "Do I really wanna be a well-mannered person?"
I mean, yeah sure, everyone sorta wants to be one, but how sincere is every one of us?? We were taught to be a well-mannered person, behave ourselves, treat others how we want to be treated bla bla bla and all the other 'good' attitudes.... according to the norms of the society. Yeah that's pretty much what the teachers in school taught us, didn't they? And from there, 2 groups of ppl seemed to be born. One, who happened to obey the society rules and are more accepted in the society; and another, who refused to conform to established standards of conduct - the recusants.
Now lets put aside those who are rebellious and concentrate on the former groups. How many of them, are truly behaving well because they truly believe in those conducts? And how many just follow blindly - "because that's what mom & dad want me to be" or "because it's the norm, and I guess that's how thgs should be" or "because tht's the way to get me somewhere in my career"? If you ask me, I dont think most ppl put much thought on it... they just do whatever they're supposed to do, and since it didnt sound that wrong, so they just didnt bother to change anythg or think bout it. (Everyone tends to reject changes - to some extent, dont we all?)
Back to my question. Okay I'm well taught by my parents to behave 'properly'. And 'be nice & polite' all the time, no matter what. But honestly, sometimes I'm sick and tired of being the nice person. Especially when I'm on the right. Why the hell should I just let it be and be nice to ppl when they so dont deserve it ?? (oh im not talking bout the lecturer anymore.. its another whole issue altogether) But the question's still the same though. I'm just wondering, when I do smthg nice but dont really mean it because I'm doin it for the sake of societal conformity... arent I a hypocrite just the same?
It's just a subtler way of being hypocritical - doing smthg consciously while knowing self doesnt mean it at all.
So at this time, do we go ahead and do smthg to be accepted and be highly looked upon because that's how things work and because that's life??? Or, do we stay true to ourselves even though the true self can be ugly sometimes?
Question is, "Do I really wanna be a well-mannered person?"
I mean, yeah sure, everyone sorta wants to be one, but how sincere is every one of us?? We were taught to be a well-mannered person, behave ourselves, treat others how we want to be treated bla bla bla and all the other 'good' attitudes.... according to the norms of the society. Yeah that's pretty much what the teachers in school taught us, didn't they? And from there, 2 groups of ppl seemed to be born. One, who happened to obey the society rules and are more accepted in the society; and another, who refused to conform to established standards of conduct - the recusants.
Now lets put aside those who are rebellious and concentrate on the former groups. How many of them, are truly behaving well because they truly believe in those conducts? And how many just follow blindly - "because that's what mom & dad want me to be" or "because it's the norm, and I guess that's how thgs should be" or "because tht's the way to get me somewhere in my career"? If you ask me, I dont think most ppl put much thought on it... they just do whatever they're supposed to do, and since it didnt sound that wrong, so they just didnt bother to change anythg or think bout it. (Everyone tends to reject changes - to some extent, dont we all?)
Back to my question. Okay I'm well taught by my parents to behave 'properly'. And 'be nice & polite' all the time, no matter what. But honestly, sometimes I'm sick and tired of being the nice person. Especially when I'm on the right. Why the hell should I just let it be and be nice to ppl when they so dont deserve it ?? (oh im not talking bout the lecturer anymore.. its another whole issue altogether) But the question's still the same though. I'm just wondering, when I do smthg nice but dont really mean it because I'm doin it for the sake of societal conformity... arent I a hypocrite just the same?
It's just a subtler way of being hypocritical - doing smthg consciously while knowing self doesnt mean it at all.
So at this time, do we go ahead and do smthg to be accepted and be highly looked upon because that's how things work and because that's life??? Or, do we stay true to ourselves even though the true self can be ugly sometimes?
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